Flirting With Disaster

Long glances across a room at someone of the opposite sex…dressing to get a certain person’s attention…suggestive, enticing conversation...flattery and compliments…disclosed intimate secrets…seemingly innocent, incidental physical contact…

What do these bring to mind?

All are aspects of flirting, which Webster’s Dictionary defines as “play[ing] at courtship by trying to attract attention or admiration.” The American Heritage Dictionary adds, “To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures.” Flirting can be accomplished through words or actions, but it begins in the mind. Films and television shows portray it as an innocent pastime—another normal “rite of passage” in the teen years. But is this the right view? Is flirting “no big deal”?

Technology has created more ways to flirt than ever before—by phone, cellphone (voice or text messages), email, chat room, instant messaging, etc. Magazines directed at teenage girls regularly run articles on how to flirt more effectively in order to “get the guy.” Whole websites are devoted to flirting. Even certain young women’s clothing styles are advertised as “flirty.”

Scientists and educators, building on the faulty foundation of evolution, see flirting as nothing more than a human version of the mating rituals seen among birds, buffalo or baboons. “‘A woman doesn’t drop her handkerchief anymore, but she may drop her Palm Pilot,’ says anthropologist David Givens. ‘The end of it all is to have more of our own species’” (Washington Post).

(When young people are taught they are just animals, is it surprising they end up acting like animals?)

Many have moved beyond the relatively restrained aspects of flirting mentioned above: “In the spirit of gender equality, many a young woman has discarded the slow, subtle arts of flirtation and charm that females have used successfully on males for millennia, and replaced them with quick, direct strikes: punching her number into his cell phone memory, rubbing his shoulders…The result has not been an especially happy one, some young women say, for though they may snag the guy in question, it’s only until he gets a better offer” (ibid).

Since young people in God’s Church are striving to be above reproach—and far above the world’s standards—how should they view flirting?

Applying Biblical Principles

The word “flirt” is not found in the Bible. But does this mean that God is silent on this practice? No, it does not—as with many other things that are not specifically mentioned, God’s Word still contains principles that apply.

In a number of passages in the Proverbs, Solomon taught the wisdom of avoiding the temptation of illicit relationships. In chapter 7, he describes a foolish young man who chose not to avoid this lure, and the consequences of his choice: “For at the window of my house I looked through my casement, and beheld among the simple ones, I discerned among the youths, a young man void of understanding, passing through the street near her corner; and he went the way to her house, in the twilight, in the evening, in the black and dark night: And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart…So she caught him, and kissed him, and with an impudent face said unto him…came I forth to meet you, diligently to seek your face, and I have found you…With her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him. He goes after her straightway, as an ox goes to the slaughter…as a bird hastes to the snare, and knows not that it is for his life. Hearken unto me now therefore, O you children, and attend to the words of my mouth. Let not your heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths. For she has cast down many wounded: yes, many strong men have been slain by her. Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death” (Prov. 7:6-18, 21-27).

While this passage is describing full-blown adultery, the principle holds true. Anyone who is attempting to draw you into a relationship that is beyond the boundaries of God’s way of life should be avoided.

Why Is It Wrong?

Flirting is wrong because it is the gateway to other forms of behavior for which only adults old enough for marriage are prepared. It often leads to premature emotional commitment and pairing off into boyfriend/girlfriend, “going steady” arrangements. Most teenage relationships fail because teenagers are too immature to know what they want in a mate.

Flirting is an element of courtship, and courting should not be done by persons under age twenty. It involves sharing intimacy with someone who is not one’s spouse. At the very least, it leaves a person with lifelong memories of closeness with someone who is not his or her mate.

Also, the motive behind flirting is often to break barriers and “push the envelope” in a relationship—incidental touching can lead to purposeful touching, which can lead to terribly damaging mistakes.

Flirting can easily lead to lust in the mind of one or both of the parties involved. Jesus Christ instructed His disciples to go to great lengths to avoid lust: “You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if your right eye offends you, pluck it out, and cast it from you: for it is profitable for you that one of your members should perish, and not that your whole body should be cast into hell. And if your right hand offends you, cut it off, and cast it from you: for it is profitable for you that one of your members should perish, and not that your whole body should be cast into hell” (Matt. 5:27-30).

If your flirting causes another person to sin, Christ has a stern warning in this case as well: “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in Me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe unto the world because of offenses: for it must needs be that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense comes” (Matt. 18:6-7).

Involvement in flirting is equally tempting for girls and boys. For girls, flirting is an easy, “cheap” way to attract attention to oneself, and it evidences self-centeredness and immaturity.

The book of Isaiah describes the vain, self-absorbed “daughters” of the modern Western nations: “The daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go” (3:16).

Proverbs contains further warnings for those who could be ensnared by this kind of woman: “Keep you from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman. Lust not after her beauty in your heart; neither let her take you with her eyelids” (6:24-25).

For boys, flirting is the abuse of masculine influence: “There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yes, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid” (Prov. 30:18-19).

Finally, flirting is inconsiderate to onlookers. You can probably recall a situation in which you observed a boy and girl flirting with one another. It most likely made you feel awkward and uncomfortable.

All this is not to say that young people in the Church cannot enjoy the company of the opposite sex in a group setting. However, they must be careful not to cross the line of propriety—and to keep in mind the best interest of the other person, and that person’s future mate.

Go against the grain—resist the temptation to flirt!

To learn more about the right way to approach courtship, read—and reread—All About DATING and COURTSHIP.