“That Your Days May Be Long”

Many today understand that honoring parents is one of the Ten Commandments, yet few understand or apply this command. Just what does it mean to “honor” one’s father and mother? Is this command from God absolute?

In Malachi 1:6, God asks a question: “Where is My honor?” In an age when God is not honored by people, many fathers and mothers likewise wonder why they are not respected.

Honor toward parents was customary in the West only one or two generations ago. Today it is rare to observe a family in which young people are even moderately respectful toward their parents.

How is it that most children have come to ignore this basic command? More importantly, are you ignoring the Fifth Commandment?

Collapse of the Family

The family unit of today is sick. In fact, many no longer understand the real meaning of family, what it is comprised of or how it functions. As a part of the cultural war against tradition and the Bible, various social movements have been largely successful in destroying this basic knowledge.

With this collapse of the family, a generation has emerged that ridicules the idea of offering respect and honor to fathers and mothers. For example, a respectful “Sir” or “Ma’am” has been replaced with disrespectful, insulting references such as the “ol’ lady” or the “ol’ man.” How did such a change occur so quickly in the minds of youth?

In part, it could be that these disrespectful children have observed hypocrisy, self-centeredness and worse behavior from those who should be closest to them. It is likely that their mother has made a career her first priority, shuffling her children first to daycare and then on to school. They may view their father as weak and subordinate to their mother. They may also view their mother as the more versatile, intelligent, energetic, dominant parent. Or, father and mother might have separate lives, often separate from their children. Their father may have never been in their lives at all.

Generally, most children are a product of failed childrearing, practiced by irresponsible and selfish parents. It should not surprise anyone that each successive generation would become more self-centered, rebellious and disrespectful than the previous one. Many of these youth might think, “Why should I honor my parents? They aren’t themselves honorable.”

The Final Generation

God calls the children of today “strange.” Notice: “They have dealt treacherously against the Lord: for they have begotten strange children” (Hosea 5:7).

Indeed, your peers in the world are not only “strange,” but they have also taken on the qualities described in II Timothy 3. They are self-centered, greedy and full of pride. On the outside, they can appear hard, but inside they are selfish and spineless—far removed from the virtues of integrity and honor. God’s youth must fight against these trends.

While they have been taught all about the “rights” they supposedly possess, the importance of their self-esteem and that everyone is equal, they have never been taught to look outward with concern toward others. They have never experienced the peaceful fruit God’s Way of giving brings.

Isaiah described the final generation in modern Israel when he prophesied that God would “take away” the “mighty man, and the man of war, the [sound, righteous] judge…” and “the honorable man” (3:2-3). God said, “I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them. And the people shall be oppressed, every one by another, and every one by his neighbor: the child shall behave himself proudly against the ancient, and the base against the honorable” (vs. 4-5).

God predicted the present evil culture long ago! He warned that the rulers of the land would become childish, incompetent and base if His principles were ignored and His commands disobeyed. Honor toward the honorable would be lost. Children would not have respect for their parents.

The Religion of Equality

But how has this twisted relationship between parents and children come about? It has taken decades of conditioning, indoctrination, rebellious teaching and poor parenting for society to arrive at its current state. There are many causes, but a large part hinges on “equality,” understood as “sameness” today.

Consider the following: Parents have been influenced by modern “educators” to believe that their children are equal to them. They have been told that they have no right to expect any honor from their children. In fact, they are expected to ensure that their children’s self-esteem is not impacted.

Described in modern, corrupted English, it is intolerable for a parent to “diss” his or her children. Modern psychology proclaims, “If you parents plead, beg, exhort and negotiate with your children; then maybe—just maybe—your children might respond and be more agreeable. They then might choose, on their own free will, to do what is right.”

Children in turn have been conditioned to think that they are equal in authority to their father and mother. This miseducation can begin as early as preschool. Children have been led to believe there is little difference between them and their parents in regard to position.

These roles require that parents always give the child whatever he wants, with the child required to provide almost nothing in return. Children believe they are entitled to television, privacy, computer blogs, cellphones and many other luxuries.

But, as God’s youth, you have access to the truth. God holds you accountable for this privileged knowledge, expecting you to be different. God’s command, described in Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16, applies to you more today than to those who initially received it more than 3,000 years ago. The command is also much more of a solid obligation to youth in the Church than the final, sick generation just described: “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you; that your days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with you, in the land which the Lord your God gives you” (Deut. 5:16).

The youth in the Church should feel motivated to be different from those in the world. You can know how this great Fifth Commandment works, observe it in action, and experience the blessings that are promised for all who keep it.

What is Honor?

Honor can mean different things to people. As society has taken its toboggan ride down the hill of depravity, the clear meaning of the word has been obscured in many cases. Today’s generation is one that “call[s] evil good, and good evil.” It is a people who exchange “darkness for light, and light for darkness” (Isa. 5:20). This generation uses language to bend the truth and justify evil perhaps more than any other in history.

So what is honor? Webster’s dictionary defines it as “honesty, fairness, or integrity in one’s beliefs and actions,” and also as “high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank.” This latter definition best applies to the correct behavior of a child toward a parent. The former definition is a quality, while the latter is action. The latter definition will result in the virtues described in the first.

This is the point: Honoring one’s parents often requires actions, in addition to words!

Your parents are much more to you than just friends. Parents, fulfilling their roles as men and women in God’s Church, are your providers, your teachers and your nurturers. They are available to listen when you need advice, and to provide direction when your rudder is taking you off course. Although no parent is perfect, overall they have your best interests in mind.

A benefactor is a “person who confers a benefit.” Your parents are certainly your benefactors, but much more. They are there to help you continue in the faith, and eventually become spiritually strong enough to move forward independently. God recognizes your father and mother as His direct representatives in your life!

It is natural for a child to want to please his parents. It goes against nature for a child or young adult to spurn or despise them.

How Can You Honor Your Parents?

Assuming you are a young person living at home with one or both of your parents, what does honoring your father and mother mean to you? First, what are your obligations; second, what can you do to meet—and exceed—what God requires of you?

Understand that your parents are responsible for you, and you are obliged to submit to their authority. Of course, they are not perfect; but, you should honor them by following their instructions even when you “know” they are wrong. Remember, even when you “know” they are wrong, they just might be right. Why? Because you could be wrong.

In Colossians 3:20, the apostle Paul does not allow for any but the strictest obedience: “Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.”

While God expects you to obey your parents, it must not conflict with His Law: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right” (Eph. 6:1).

However, if you are not being asked to break God’s Law, to properly honor your parents you must do as you are asked, without exception. By fulfilling the proverb “My son, hear the instruction of your father, and forsake not the law of your mother” (Prov. 1:8), you will be providing them with honor through obedience.

In addition to obedience, what can you do to please and honor your parents? Your father and mother may have taught you since you were a small child to say “yes sir,” and “no sir.” If so, continue providing them with this respect as you grow into adulthood, even if they don’t expect it.

Always speak to your father and mother respectfully. Treat them with honor—even if you believe they might not deserve it. Respect directed toward your father and mother in the language you use goes a long way to describe who you are, your character, and how highly you appreciate your family.

Learn to offer help without it being necessary for your father or mother to command it. There are many household chores, and any burden you can lift from your parents will benefit the family unit, as well as help you to grow in character and skill.

Pick up and clean up after yourself. A little bit of effort can improve your environment, ease the workload of your mother, and please your father. With young people, tidiness and order is often difficult to achieve, but it can be accomplished no matter who you are and where you live!

As you get older, you will develop your own opinions about issues that are subject to personal choice. These opinions may differ from those of your father and mother. If they have taught you to reason and to think logically, it is probable they will welcome a thoughtful opinion and discussion about an issue.

However, under no circumstances do you have the right to be argumentative or assertive with your father or mother. If the discussion leads to contention, you should be sure to remain subordinate and respectful. Sometimes it is a good idea to end the discussion and move on to something else.

Remain teachable and retain the humility you probably had as a small child. The word “teenager” was not a part of the American vocabulary until the 1930s. Today the term is spoken by middle-aged parents in the context of the typical arrogant, rebellious adolescent. Guard steadfastly against falling into this stereotype. Remember the following proverb: “A wise son hears his father’s instruction: but a scorner hears not rebuke” (Prov. 13:1).

Strive to be different. Make your teenage years some of the most enjoyable, satisfying, educational and memorable for you and your parents. But, your responsibility does not end when you leave the nest of your home.

God’s Word is clear. Every adult child has the responsibility to care for their widowed mother. The Bible clearly commands this in I Timothy 5:16: “If any man or woman that believes have widows, let them relieve [or, assist] them.” In principle, children should also help their fathers if they need it in their old age. Such good works are part of honoring your father and mother.

Are There Exceptions?

For the youth in God’s Church, the ideal family includes parents who are both converted and active in the Church. But what about the situations in which one or both parents are not a part of the Church? Further, what about honoring a parent who is not respectable?

What if your father is not living at your home? What if your father and mother are divorced? How about if your dad was in prison, or using drugs or a thief? What if your mother was a drunk or a gossip?

Are you, as their child, still required to honor them? How could honoring such behavior be in accordance with God’s Way?

The answer is not as complicated as one might think. Honoring such a parent simply means being respectful toward them. It can also mean forgiving quickly and helping to work toward solutions, even when a parent’s behavior is inappropriate.

But expressing honor toward a parent—especially when the child becomes an adult—does not mean always following commands like a robot. For example, no one is expected to break other parts of God’s commands to fulfill the desires or selfishness of either parent.

Here are a few specific examples of what honor does not include. “Honor” does not require a son or daughter to lie for their parent to get them out of trouble with man’s law. It does not require them to provide money for drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. In fact, it does not require an adult child to give money to healthy and able-bodied parents for any purpose. Of course, the adult child can choose to do so.

This is especially the case if a parent’s irresponsible conduct has led to his or her situation. In effect, providing such relief could hinder correction from God. Providing for a fit, but lazy or irresponsible, parent is not in the parent’s best interest. Sadly, in these cases, the parent is playing the role of the child.

Furthermore, if you are generally being asked to violate God’s Law, please speak to a minister about it! Of course, disobedience to God even when a child may be obeying his parent is not pleasing to God!

This does not mean a child should tell the ministry every time a mistake is made, and God’s Law is broken. Young people should not begin to look at themselves as informants. Understand that God’s ministry has not been established to “lord over” the congregation.

What about the child who has grown up in an abusive home? These children spend years in terrible environments suffering fear and intimidation from those who should care for them most. When the child becomes an adult, he or she can continue to be dominated and intimidated by the parent, unable to lead a normal life. This abuse does not lead either the parent or the child toward God. An adult child with such a history might find it difficult to cope. If the youth is associated with God’s Church, he should seek help.

Is it ever okay to say “No” to a father or mother? The answer to this question should be clear. God’s law of love applies to everyone with equal justice. If saying yes to a parent would violate God’s Law by contributing to a harmful habit or behavior, then a child should not obey a parent’s command.

However, a child who is blessed to grow up in a true Christian household, with true believing parents genuinely following God’s Law, will almost never be asked to do something contrary to God’s Law.

Hopefully, you are part of a stable and loving family. If so, recognize the bad situations discussed in this section of the article are too often a sad reality in today’s dark world. Appreciate and honor your father and mother, and be grateful for your blessings.

Honor Leads to Life

The Fifth Commandment is known as the “commandment with promise” (Eph. 6:2-3). When this was given, God promised the blessing of long life to those who keep it: “Honor your father and your mother: that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God gives you” (Ex. 20:12).

This blessing is actually twofold—physical and spiritual. Physically, parents keep their children out of harm’s way, letting them know when what they are doing is unwise or unsafe. Your life will be extended simply by heeding their instruction and avoiding the hazards life brings. Spiritually, obeying your parents pleases God and He will in turn grant you life—even after you are grown and can keep yourself from danger.

When God created man and woman, he encouraged them to have children and spread throughout the earth. The first and the most important basic institution given to mankind was the human family. Within the framework of God’s design, the family was intended to be unified, strong and purposeful. God knew each human family would be a brick in the building called civilization. More than that, He created the family with the purpose of preparing His children to inherit the kingdom of God.

Your memory of the years you spend living with your parents will appear shorter as you advance in years and experience. Make the most of them; give honor to your parents. There is no guarantee that your childhood years will be filled only with happiness. Rain clouds arrive to all people from time to time. However, you can be confident that the honor you direct toward your parents will be reflected back upon you in the form of greater peace, abundant joy and true education.

Honoring your parents leads toward eternal life.