How Do You Handle Setbacks?

“Pop quiz!” the teacher says gleefully as she hands out the test. “…and this one will count for 30 percent of your grade, so I hope you studied!”

“Oh no!” you think to yourself. “I didn’t do my homework last night. I didn’t study. I know nothing about this subject. I’m going to fail!”

Then other thoughts start running through your head: “What will this do to my GPA? What will my parents think? What will my friends think? Will I still be able to get into a good university?”

Has this ever happened to you? If not, chances are you have had something similar take you by surprise. Maybe a tense situation in sports or in gym class, in which you could not perform as well as others—when everyone was watching—or a driving test, in which you could not remember how to parallel park.

While you should prepare for what may come your way, certain events will happen that will set you back from where you want to be. Though your grade, your reputation, or your plans may be damaged—even ruined—you still must be determined to do what you can to deal with life as it stands.

See the Big Picture

When dealing with setbacks, it is likely that your first response will be to react in some way. You may want to make excuses, shift blame to someone or something else, or try to find a way out of the situation. When you find yourself doing this—STOP. Think about what you are doing.

To deal with a setback the right way, take a step back and look at the situation objectively. You are probably feeling hurt, worried, upset or confused. Most likely, a swarm of emotions is flying around in your head. Try to put these aside so you can seriously ponder the problem you are facing.

First, determine any urgent responsibilities that need to be addressed. If debts must be paid or apologies made, take care of these immediately.

Next, accept the reality that whatever has occurred really happened. It does not matter whether it was unintentional or that you may have tried hard to prevent it. You have to face the truth that you are somewhere in life that you did not expect to be. It is at this point that you must figure out how much damage has been done and how your life has been changed. If you have never dealt with a situation like this before, it can be helpful to talk to a parent or someone who has experienced a similar event to better understand how to cope with it.

Then, with the reality of what has occurred in your mind, try to determine how much of the problem was your fault. Ask yourself, “Could I have prevented this problem?” Even if what has occurred is completely beyond your control, try to learn all the lessons you can. Think about them and write a list of ideas for what you want to do in the future so you do not forget.

For example, if you were just in a car accident, you would want to learn how expensive accidents are, how fragile the human body is, how important the people involved in the accident are to you, and that, in the future, you want to be as careful and as defensive as you can while driving.

Depending upon the severity of the event, take time (neither too little nor too much) to mentally and emotionally deal with what has occurred. For example, if someone close to you has died, you will need a long time to mourn before moving on. However, if the event you are dealing with is something small, such as an embarrassment before your friends, you will need only a minute or two to calm down.

Set Priorities in Order

After making certain that you are thinking clearly about a situation, it is time to set your priorities straight. To determine how you should feel about what has happened, you need to think about what is important to you. Ask yourself questions such as, “What important thing in my life has been damaged by this event?”—“Why is this important to me?”—“Do I now want to consider this aspect of my life more important, or less?”—“Is there anything important to me that I have been neglecting?”

There is a certain amount of pain you might feel when considering this—especially if the things you have done hurt those for whom you truly care. Now is when you want to focus your feelings on the lessons you have learned. Think about how much you are going to improve your life by growing in all the areas about which you have thought. Forge in your mind a deeper care and concern for the things that are important to you. Then allow yourself to feel joy about the knowledge you have gained and how it has helped you to grow.

Make Plans

Now that you understand what you might have done wrong and your priorities, it is time to chart a course of action. Figure out what resources you have: talents you can utilize, people you can talk to who can help, money, time or whatever else you might need to obtain your objective.

Also, carefully consider what less important things you want to give up in order to focus your resources on your goals. Set goals that are SMART: specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-bound.

If you want to do better on next week’s test, for example, you will probably have to give up some time watching TV. If you want to be a safer driver, you will likely need to schedule more time when traveling somewhere so you can drive slower.

Get excited about applying the wisdom you have just gained to improving your life and the lives of others around you. Determine not to let difficulties stop you. Keep your mind on the exciting future that awaits you if you stick to and achieve your goals.

It takes time, practice and effort to handle setbacks the right way, but in the end, you will have set a course that will keep you focused on the truly important things—leading to a life full of happiness and success!