A Deadly Poison: Holding a Grudge

Tingling skin, sweating, numbness. Severe headache, dizziness, blurred vision. Rapid heart rate, difficulty breathing, intense pain. These are symptoms of a poisonous snake bite that, if left untreated, can lead to death.

It takes less than 0.5 seconds for a snake to strike and bite its prey. This is faster than the human eye can see the danger and the brain can process it—let alone react to it. Reaction to the danger takes another full second, which means you can become a victim of a snake’s deadly venom before you even know it!

The same can be said about holding a grudge. The offense can be sudden and the ill will that results can run deep.

A snake’s razor-sharp fangs only leave two tiny pricks on the skin. It is through its hollow teeth, however, that powerful muscles in its head pump venom directly into a victim’s bloodstream.

The often barely visible bite marks only begin to tell the story of the poisonous snake’s lethal venom, which immediately begins moving through a person’s veins and circulating throughout the body.

A grudge, like a snake’s venom, can be the result of what was initially seen as a trivial matter rather than a “major offense.” It can begin over something that seems minor or petty to most.

At first you may be merely annoyed, as with the initial sting of a snake’s bite. Yet, if your feelings are not handled properly, there is a chance for this annoyance to grow worse. Ill feelings can begin to “flow” and “spread” through your mind, and have negative effects as they set in.

Even though the initial sting of a snake bite is obvious to a person when he is bitten, some choose not to seek treatment because they cannot identify the snake as poisonous. They may think that it is not a big deal and have no idea of the severe consequences that could result.

While a snake bite is obvious, the poison of holding a grudge is subtle.

The immediate effects of a snake bite can be relatively minor—swelling, redness, slight irritation. But over time—sometimes long periods of time—symptoms become more life-threatening. Left untreated, toxins have severe effects on bodily functions and can be fatal.

Neurotoxins, for example, affect the brain and nervous system. They prevent the brain from communicating with certain parts of the body. Myotoxins affect the muscles and can cause paralysis, which prevents a victim from being able to escape. Finally, hemotoxins, often the slowest to take effect, damage the heart by causing the breakdown of heart tissue and destroying the blood.

With the muscles, brain and heart successfully rendered useless, the victim becomes easy prey.

As with the poisonous venom of a deadly snake, grudges can destroy those who hold them.

Reasons for Grudges

Maybe your friend forgot to call saying she would be late to pick you up. Or maybe a sibling borrowed your favorite sweater and brought it back with a stain on it. Maybe a roommate talked too loudly on the phone when you were trying to study. The list could go on.

If not addressed, this “wound” on a relationship can become red and start to swell. Soon the poison can begin to take over.

Similar to how neurotoxins block brain function, your thinking can become unreasonable when you have a grudge. This can cause almost anything a person does to drive you up the wall.

In the same way myotoxins in snake venom restrict the muscles or actions of a victim, your relationship with a person who offended you can become restricted as his actions may cause you to choose to spend less time with him.

Finally, similar to the danger of hemotoxins on the heart, your love or outgoing concern for a person can break down and eventually be destroyed.

Before you know it, you can fall victim to holding a grudge!

Once the poison of a grudge fully takes effect, Satan—“that old serpent” (Rev. 20:2)—can easily overtake you.

Holding a grudge can have deadly effects on our character and relationships. Hatred, jealousy and an unforgiving attitude can be the consequences as the “deadly venom” spreads and overtakes our interactions with others.

Grudge Defined

You may be wondering: “What exactly is a grudge? Is it any time I become upset about something someone has done to me? Is it whenever my feelings are hurt by someone I care about?”

You could also be thinking: “Don’t I have a right to be angry sometimes?” or “Anyone would be offended if they had to put up with this or that from another person.”

To be clear, all people can be annoyed every now and then by the actions of others. Sometimes they can actually become angry. Righteous anger is an emotion given by God to express feelings when we are unhappy. Even He can be angry (Psa. 7:11).

An expression of anger from time to time and when appropriate can help others understand our expectations and boundaries. But God gives us limits in how we are to express it (Eph. 4:26).

A grudge goes beyond any of this. Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines it as “a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will.” Webster’s further describes it as “a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time.”

The word grudge comes from the Middle English words grucchen and grudgen, which mean “to grumble, complain.”

Notice how holding a grudge is much different from being occasionally irritated or bothered by someone’s behavior. It can last for a long time, even years.

If not avoided or dealt with properly, grudges can “kill” friendships and tear apart the bonds of family and acquaintances.

Original “Golden Rule”

Almost everyone has heard of the Golden Rule—“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” But few realize this New Testament command (Matt. 7:12) is based on instructions originally given to Old Testament Israel.

Even fewer understand that this original command includes a very clear instruction.

The passage is found in Leviticus 19:18: “You shall not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.”

God’s Word says that we should not seek revenge against others or hold grudges against them. Since we now understand what a grudge is and what it can lead to, it is no wonder God instructs us to avoid this feeling. Doing so is how we show love and outgoing concern toward other people.

Yet God does not instruct us to do something that He is not willing to do Himself.

Think. If anyone would have reason to have “a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time,” it would be God reacting to man’s rebellious behavior.

God created man and gave him guidelines that lead to ultimate happiness. But mankind in general has chosen to ignore His instructions. Imagine if you gave someone advice for his own good and he chose to ignore it. This would probably not make you happy!

Even though man does not naturally follow God, He does not hold a grudge. He does not harbor feelings of resentment or ill will toward us. An all-knowing God sees everything we do. He can read our thoughts, even those that are bad. Despite this, He is willing to forgive and forget our offenses toward Him.

King David described God’s willingness to forgive in the following way: “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. He will not always chide: neither will He keep His anger forever. He has not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Psa. 103:8-12).

God promises to remove our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. The illustration would be very different if God instead said He would remove our sins as far from us as the north is from the south.

Here is why. If a person started heading north on the Earth, he would eventually be heading south once he reached the North Pole. Therefore, the argument could be made that north and south on the Earth meet at the poles.

If a person traveled east on the Earth, however, he could travel around the entire globe and always be heading in an eastern direction. There would never be a point in which he was heading west. In effect, east and west never meet!

This is how far a merciful and loving God forgives and removes our sins from us. What a powerful example for us to follow when others offend us.

Importance of Forgiveness

There is another reason we should be willing to forgive others when they offend us.

Jesus Christ plainly said that if we are not willing to forgive others, God will not be willing to forgive us (Matt. 6:15). This is the reason that within the model prayer Christians ask God to forgive our faults as we forgive those with faults against us (vs. 12). In other words, our request is that “God forgive us in the same manner that we forgive others.”

Every time you make a mistake, you would certainly want God to be as merciful as possible and give you the benefit of the doubt. You would want Him to be understanding and patient with you.

We have been given the power to affect how God deals with us when we fail. Each of us has the ability to ensure God is most merciful when we offend Him.

How can we ensure He is compassionate and lenient with us when we break His Law? We must be compassionate and lenient with others when their actions hurt us.

It is in this way that we have each been given the power over how much mercy God will show us.

Forgiveness is a fundamental part of God’s ultimate plan for mankind. It is a key component required to help reconcile the relationship between God and man, which was broken by sin (Isa. 59:2).

God established the importance of forgiveness in His dealings with human beings by sacrificing His Son Jesus Christ. Though we disobeyed the Father, He did not harbor any ill will. Rather, He took the first step toward resolving our differences and gave us the opportunity to have a relationship with Him.

Jesus, who is in full agreement with God, also demonstrated the power to forgive.

Christ had such an attitude of forgiveness that, while still hanging on the stake in excruciating pain, He did not ask His Father to destroy those who crucified Him. Instead, He asked God to forgive them. Christ’s willingness to die is the reason we have a chance at life.

It is the power of forgiveness—not the power of a grudge—that leads to true happiness. Forgiveness is the antidote to the dangerous poison of holding a grudge.

Story of Joseph

The Bible is filled with examples of people showing forgiveness toward others. These are examples we should consider the next time we are faced with the decision of either forgiving others or holding a grudge.

A perfect example is found in the story of Joseph. Early in life, he found himself in a struggle with his brothers over the attention of their father Jacob. Jacob made the mistake of showing more affection toward Joseph than the others. Imagine if your parents constantly favored a brother or sister over you. This would probably make you very upset!

Joseph also had the frustrating habit of bragging about someday ruling over his brothers (and even his parents). It can be difficult to deal with someone who is always boasting about himself or how great he is.

This all led to Joseph’s brothers becoming jealous and spiteful. Eventually their anger turned into a grudge. This resentment became so deep that they conspired to kill him.

Thankfully for Joseph, his oldest brother was able to convince the others to spare Joseph’s life and simply throw him alive into a hole.

The brothers then lied and told their father that a wild animal must have killed him.

From there, the story is a familiar one—Joseph was sold into slavery and eventually imprisoned in Egypt.

Can you now see the potential danger in allowing yourself to hold a grudge against someone?

Many years passed during this ordeal and Joseph undoubtedly thought about how his life had drastically changed. He probably remembered all of what his brothers had done to him and considered how different his life would have been if he had never been treated so terribly.

Eventually things began to turn around for Joseph. Based on God’s overall plan for the descendants of Israel and Joseph’s obedience, he ultimately found himself second in command over all of Egypt, a powerful nation in the world at the time.

When a seven-year famine struck the region, Joseph’s leadership allowed Egypt to become the main food source for the surrounding area. Eventually, his brothers had to come before Joseph to buy food. He immediately recognized them, but they did not know he was their brother.

Joseph now had the opportunity to pay back his brothers for what they did. He could even the score for all those long days he spent in slavery and those terrible nights in prison. Now was his chance to give them what they deserved.

So how did Joseph pay them back for their cruelty? Did he make them slaves? Throw them into prison? Make them starve to death?

No. He forgave them.

Instead of harboring a grudge over how he was treated, Joseph decided not to hold their actions against them. He took all of the bad things that had happened to him and learned to be a better person. These negative experiences helped him build character and become humble.

If Joseph could forgive his family for all the awful things that were done to him, how much more should we be able to forgive those who mistreat us?

When you find you are having difficulty looking past certain bad things people have done to you, remember the story of Joseph and how he forgave his brothers.

How to Forgive Others

Reading and remembering stories about others not holding a grudge and instead practicing forgiveness is one thing, but controlling our own emotions is another matter all together. This is especially true when people “press our buttons” or do something we feel is extremely selfish or inconsiderate.

We can all set out to be more understanding of others and give them room to make mistakes, but in reality there are times in life when things happen very quickly—like the strike of a snake. Sometimes we do not immediately remember the right way to handle the initial “sting” and can find ourselves eventually harboring resentment toward someone.

One way to prevent this is to always have an attitude of forgiveness. This is better than trying to remember to forgive after each and every time someone has offended us.

Having a mindset of forgiveness helps prepare us for any offense that may come our way. This is like already having a vial of antidote before you are bitten by a poisonous snake, instead of trying to find the antidote once you are bitten and the poison begins to take effect.

Another helpful way to prevent a grudge is to remember that we also make mistakes and can offend others. If we were to make a list of our errors, it would definitely be long.

Human beings are prone to slipups. Every time a person offends you, remember he is human and can make mistakes. This will help put you in the right mindset and deal with the anger you feel.

An additional tip is to not be afraid to talk about the problem with the person who hurt you. God has given us a formula to deal with those who upset us. It is actually a command.

God instructs us to go to the person and have a one-on-one conversation about the issue (Matt. 18:15). This provides the opportunity for you to explain why you are unhappy and also gives the other person a chance to explain his or her side of the story.

Many grudges result from misunderstandings. By having an attitude of forgiveness and remembering your own mistakes, however, you are more likely to approach the situation in a godly manner.

Even with the guidelines above, it is not easy to forgive and forget. To do so at the level God expects takes real character—godly character.

Only through the love of God can we show the proper level of outgoing concern required to cover up someone else’s wrongs and drive bitterness and resentment from our hearts. God’s love and the real power to forgive come through His Holy Spirit.

As a young person in the Church, you have the opportunity to have God’s Spirit working alongside you—in addition to the example set by your parents, those in the Bible, and Jesus Christ Himself.

It is the power of God that gives you the cure against the poison of a grudge.