Defuse Your Anger!

How dare he say that to me! Who does she think she is? Are you kidding!? This is unbelievable!!!

So many arguments, fits and fights have started with these brisk, huffy words. All it takes is someone to hurt your feelings, violate boundaries or do something you feel is not right, and—within seconds—a spark goes off. Adrenaline is released. Your breathing gets faster, harder and shallower. You feel restless, your nostrils flare, and your lips tremble or quiver. You may even feel your heart pounding in your chest.

The emotion is so intense, it literally riles up your body. Even the most passive people have a hard time hiding intense frustration or irritation. These physical features are so recognizable that the ancient Israelites actually referred to the nose or nostril flaring up when saying a person was angry. In the New Testament, the word translated wrath from the Greek means breathing hard.

If left to fester, it can seem impossible to stop yourself from boiling over and losing control.

But every time, when the anger subsides, you start to think through what you said and did. You end up deeply regretting your words and actions. Often, the damage done to relationships or even physical objects can be difficult to repair.

You can avoid the consequences and hurting others. With the right mindset and practice, you can learn to recognize when you get angry and then control it.

The Root Cause

Anger is often triggered when you feel offended. When perceived infractions or offenses occur, it is pride—an overinflated feeling of self-importance—that causes you to become angry. You want to defend your honor, position or ideas. You “know” in your heart you are right and everyone else is wrong.

Proverbs 13:10 states, “Only by pride comes contention,” or a quarrel. Recognize that every time there is an argument or heated disagreement, pride is there in abundance!

Deflating pride is a lifelong battle. Yet recognizing that this feeling leads to resentment is the first step toward defeating it. Proverbs 19:11 states, “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook [an offense]” (New King James Version). This verse describes the importance of looking past an offense and blocking prideful thoughts as a first step in controlling your temper. The next step is to identify the way this emotion is expressed.

Forms of Anger

Consider the following scenarios…

You hear a rumor that a friend told a personal secret about you to others. Would your natural impulse be to go on the attack and tell a different secret about your friend? Or would you physically confront the person?

Your parents take away your electronic devices because you neglected your chores. Do you walk around for the next day in a huff, rolling your eyes and not saying a word? Do you slam your door and ignore all chores and responsibilities in protest?

Your boss at your afterschool job makes you scrub toilets because you never work on the Sabbath. Do you come home in a bad mood and take it out on your little brother? Or do you go around to your coworkers telling stories about your boss behind his back?

Each scenario contained a different response or reaction. But each was an expression of the same emotion.

Did you notice the different forms of anger?

There are direct expressions. These include outright physical aggression, throwing things, hitting things, slamming things—verbal bashing, which tends to be most common, that consists of uttering threats, yelling, and using hurtful words and insults—and nonverbal bashing, the silent treatment, sour facial expressions, dirty looks, clenching fists and aggressive hand gestures.

Also, there are indirect expressions. There is complaining and gossiping, spreading your irritation to others and finding others to take your side—displaced anger, taking your fury out on innocent victims—passive-aggressiveness, employing subtle, “safe” ways to express their frustration such as sulking, pouting, doing a chore half-heartedly, intentionally forgetting to do something, showing up late, making pointed sarcastic jokes.

Lastly, there is suppression—taking frustration inward and simply staying at a slow boil. Those who suppress frustration often appear unhappy but never share the cause.

Think through this list. We have acted out several of these at different points in our lives. Yet each person tends to express their resentment in a particular way depending on their personality.

Regardless of which form anger takes—whether direct or internal—it is a sign of struggling to control a temper. When we allow it to dictate our actions, it actually has control over us.

How to Manage

It is important to recognize two factors behind emotions and how to handle them during your teenage years.

First, a large factor standing in your way when it comes to managing anger is your brain itself. Multiple studies have shown that brain development is not complete until the mid-20s. During this time, the frontal lobe—which controls moods and impulses and affects judgment and decision-making—is still developing. This leaves you more susceptible to irrational, impulsive behaviors.

Emotions also have a spiritual element. In order to control them, you will need spiritual help. You have access to God through prayer. With His help, you can stop when you feel yourself getting stirred up, and then begin to apply the following verses before you act out in anger.

When your blood begins to boil, remember what King Solomon recorded: “He that is soon angry deals foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated” (Prov. 14:17). This verse clearly shows how impulsive emotions lead to regretful actions.

This is explained another way in Proverbs 18:13, which states, “He that answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame unto him.” Answering a matter too quickly—without hearing all the facts—leads to embarrassment and mistakes.

To counter this, it is always worth taking time to gather all the necessary information and process it. This will help you make a sound, rational decision. James 1:19-20 provides helpful points you can apply to avoid acting impulsively. It states, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man works not the righteousness of God.”

The Bible contains examples of people facing lifelong consequences after just one outburst. Moses was shut out of the Promised Land after striking a rock in anger and ranting to the Israelites (Num. 20:10-12). The brothers Simeon and Levi killed a man “in their anger.” As a result, while their brothers were promised blessings, their descendants were to be scattered (Gen. 49:5-7).

Think through some of the outcomes that could occur if you lose control. If you realized, for instance, that shouting at your friend could make him or her resent you and begin to say nasty words behind your back, you may think twice. Or if you try to shove or hit your sibling, you may end up breaking something in your parents’ house for which you will have to pay or fix.

Instead of simply flying off the handle at every little thing that rubs you the wrong way, be “swift to hear” and “slow to speak.” Listen to others and take time to understand what is being communicated. This shows self-control—an important element of emotional maturity.

Other Practical Tips

Controlling irrational, impulsive actions are best done when you slow down, step back and consider. God refers to this as giving “place [space] to wrath” (Rom. 12:19).

When faced with a stressful situation, close your eyes and slowly count to 10. This engages your mind and allows you to manage the surge of adrenaline and calm yourself.

The same applies to deep breathing. When we get angry, our breathing gets shorter and shallower due to adrenaline. Deep breaths that engage the diaphragm muscle (under the lungs) slow your heartrate and can help you relax.

Physical exercise is a great antidote to anger. Take a vigorous walk or run. Lift weights. Working out releases endorphins, which make you feel good and upbeat and defuses frustration.

Sometimes it is best to simply walk away from a situation. Those who are confrontational typically try to invade your personal space to establish their dominance. Instead of giving in to the natural response of retaliating, turn away and get out of the situation.

There are also times when it is acceptable to be irritated. For example, being angry at yourself for not meeting a goal or failing to do something right is one of the greatest ways to push yourself towards future success. In this case, being upset with yourself for a time helps you improve.

You can also get mad at yourself when you learn you come short of obeying God—this leads you to take serious action change. Done successfully, you can get revenge on the mistakes you make and do better next time. It also helps you draw closer to God through prayer and obedience.

The apostle Paul wrote about this principle in II Corinthians 7. Those in the congregation, after being indicted of error, had “indignation,” “vehement desire,” “zeal” and “revenge” toward themselves. Paul wrote that these kinds of “godly sorrow” allowed them to change for the good (vs. 10-11).

Become a Peacemaker

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus Christ told the disciples, “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God” (Matt. 5:9). Those who can bring peace to a situation where it does not exist are special in God’s eyes. Not only can they control their own emotions, but they can help others do the same.

Your first goal should be to become peaceful, but you should strive to become a peacemaker. Being peaceful means you are able to maintain your temper in any situation. Peacemaking means you can both control your own emotions and help others to calm down.

Defusing the anger of others involves taking time to listen so that you can address the other person’s concerns and clearly state your issues in a respectful way. Your calm approach allows you to focus on the problem, not the person. This is the exact mindset God wants His people to take when dealing with interpersonal conflicts within His Church (Matt. 18:15-17).

Note this is a different approach from confronting someone in a forceful, accusative way, demanding that person sees your view and blaming him for making you angry. This approach never brings peace and always escalates into something worse.

When both parties keep their cool, a disagreement rarely goes beyond the first step—that is confronting a person one-on-one. In fact, the result of applying God’s way of conflict resolution leads to a stronger friendship, one that is based on a deeper mutual understanding.

Proverbs 15:1 states: “A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” Bringing kind words to a tense situation helps relax others quickly.

By demonstrating to your friends that nothing causes you to lose your cool, you set an example that they can follow. They will recognize this and see you take time to step back, think things through and exercise self-control.

Resolve yourself to be different from those in the world around you. Do not let your emotions rule your actions and lead you to make mistakes that could cost you for the rest of your life. Understand why you get angry and learn how to control it.

Prove to yourself and to those around you that you are an emotionally mature “child of God”!