You Can Conquer Shyness! | Ambassador Youth

Strolling into Room 218 for an after-school event, you set down your backpack, look around, and realize you are surrounded by strangers. They are already chatting in small, seemingly impenetrable groups. You peer at the doorway, wishing someone you know would appear. As minutes excruciatingly pass, you wonder: Where are all my friends? How can I enjoy myself if I don’t know anyone here?

Another situation: You are steeling yourself to deliver a speech in history class. You check your watch, knowing that your name will soon be called. You replay in your mind your opening comments. While you keep telling yourself you are not nervous, your hands begin to sweat. Thoughts flood your mind: What will everyone think of my presentation? Maybe I can’t go through with this. I should ask the teacher if I can speak next week.

A third situation: You have just finished eating lunch during Family Day at the Feast of Tabernacles. An announcement is made that everyone should gather for games. Those around you stand up, seeming to know exactly what they are doing, but you have no idea what to expect. An unsettling feeling sets in: What kind of games are these? I’ve never done this before. Maybe I should leave early.

Everyone has been in similar circumstances. You may enter each situation with the best of intentions, but shyness inevitably sets in.

But imagine the joy that would result from successfully overcoming these fears!

In the first situation, you would decide to introduce yourself to some of the strangers, and find that you have things in common. In the second, you would deliver your speech as scheduled, and your nervousness would melt away within the first 30 seconds of speaking. In the third, you would participate in all of the games at Family Day, and find that they were a lot of fun.

If you are shy, you likely want to be more outgoing. Many people, myself included, have faced this challenge and prevailed against it. By diligently applying the principles covered in this article, you can overcome shyness!

The Basics

Shyness is a complex emotion. Dictionaries define it as being bashful, reluctant, hesitant to commit oneself, and feeling unease in the company of others. According to kidshealth.org, “Shyness is an emotion that affects how a person feels and behaves around others…People who feel shy sometimes notice physical sensations like blushing or feeling speechless, shaky, or breathless. Shyness is the opposite of being at ease with yourself…”

Yet these are symptoms of the root cause of shyness, which is fearing negative evaluation or rejection from others.

It is natural for people to be shy. It does not mean there is something wrong with you. Everyone faces this to one degree or another.

There is an endless array of approaches to dealing with shyness in the world of modern psychology. However, for Christians, applying spiritual principles from God’s Word is the best place to start. Bear in mind the Bible teaching of “give versus get.” The apostle Paul stated in Acts, “…remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how He said, It is more blessed to give than to receive” (20:35). This simple instruction should guide all your interactions with others.

The next time you sense fear in social situations, ask yourself: Is my focus on my own feelings holding me back from giving to others? If you overcome your shyness, you are in the best position to help others get past theirs.

Refocusing your attention on serving others can help you “steady the ship” when feelings of shyness start to seem overwhelming.

Some label themselves as shy or introverted. But everyone should put forth effort to GIVE to others. Though it may be tempting to declare, “This is just the way I am,” do not allow your shyness to be an excuse not to grow!

Step back and think: Though it may feel uncomfortable to change, a short period of growth is far better than battling constant shyness throughout your life!

Combatting Extreme Shyness

For most, shyness is something that crops up from time to time. It is that uncomfortable—yet fleeting—feeling when starting a new job, going to a get-together where they do not know anyone, and having to do most anything outside their comfort zones.

Yet this may not be the case for you. To you, shyness may be a difficult, daily struggle.

In most every social situation, your mind floods with “what-if” and “what-are-they-thinking-of-me” scenarios, all of which are rarely positive. You may fear that your peers—and even your friends—see you as uninteresting, awkward and incompetent.

Maybe you would really like to ask a girl to dance at a church social. You know it will help both you and her grow in social graces—but then you fall into a what-if spiral: What if I stumble over my words and she thinks I am a fool? What if I step on her feet? What if after we dance she makes fun of me to her friends? What if she says no? What if? What if? What if?

Ultimately, you never ask the girl and you remain seated for the entire dance.

Such occurrences are not isolated incidents. You may spend entire days feeling the pangs of shyness. You see people comfortably chatting with one another—their friendships seem to have a depth you have never experienced. You see someone talk to a new kid at school and make him feel welcomed. You see tons of social interactions that all seem so easy to everyone.

Yet for you they are utterly terrifying.

This is made worse because society tends to favor extroverts, those who are talkative, funny, involved and bold. Such people seem to always know how to find friends. This is what you desperately long to be—yet you have no idea how it is done.

If this sounds like you, realize that you are not alone! Many people are just like you. For example, Sian Prior, an author and journalist, wrote an entire memoir on her lifelong battle with shyness. She sought to understand why some people have a crippling fear of social interactions—despite desperately wanting to be included.

Ms. Prior explained it this way in The Washington Post: “Shy people long for social connections but have to fight through a thicket of fears to make those connections.”

Those who are shy sincerely want to foster friendships, speak out during class discussions, and feel comfortable participating in activities with others. But debilitating self-doubt, made worse by bad experiences lingering in their memories, makes it feel safer to simply hide.

Amid all of this, it can seem as though circumstances will never change. You may have read the ways you can conquer shyness in the main article and think, “I could never do any of that!”

So how can you turn the tables on continual shyness?

The first step is an in-depth understanding of shyness itself. As was mentioned in the article, it is essentially the fear of being rejected, which is magnified in a shy person’s mind because of natural proclivities.

Most who struggle with social interactions have certain positive characteristics in common. They tend to be good listeners, loyal, reliable, conscientious, highly perceptive of feelings, courteous and empathetic. Shy people seem to be in a great position to be “people persons.”

The problem stems from focusing all these qualities toward themselves and not others. They listen to their own feelings and often fail to consider the feelings of others.

In addition, those who are shy tend to cover up their shyness through certain pitfalls that only mask the problem.

One pitfall is they wait around for a kind, outgoing person to “take them under their wing.” While it is wonderful to have someone’s attention, this can be a pitfall because it feels like overcoming shyness. In reality, it is usually just creating a safe zone. The shy person is not learning for himself how to maintain a friendship—and is completely lost if the outgoing person is not around.

A second coping mechanism is for shy people to act out. They think they will be popular by sticking out in some way such as being goofy, making mean comments, or performing stunts. These are really just awkward, forced and even hurtful ways to hide their insecurities.

The attention garnered in such circumstances is fleeting and any relationships built on this tend to be hollow.

Similarly, shy people often feel comfortable delivering a speech, performing a violin solo in an orchestra, or playing guitar at a local coffee shop. These are additional ways to gain attention—and the activities are not wrong in and of themselves—but the interactions they garner are usually just brief compliments. This feels good when it happens, but deeper relationships rarely come as a result.

To avoid these pitfalls and overcome shyness, you must realize your weaknesses and build on your good qualities.

First, accept imperfections. Every social interaction will likely have a hiccup or two. While it is good to do the best you can, you will never be flawless. Shy persons tend to be perfectionists and often create wholly unrealistic expectations for themselves and others. Therefore, they work hard to hide their perceived weaknesses for fear of being rejected by others.

Ironically, the less you care about your image, the more comfortable you will be around others and the easier it will be to connect with them. This does not give you license to be a slob or inconsiderate—but you should just be yourself.

Second, do not attempt to simply copy extroverts. While you may see some popular person as the ideal personality, your goal is not to be popular or win attention. It should be to develop your own unique personality and feel comfortable sharing it with others. Build on your strengths. If you are a natural listener, cultivate that skill. If you have a great sense of humor, work to sharpen it and practice it on those you feel comfortable around. Look for your good qualities and rely on them as you grow.

Third, establish small, objective goals. Set up targets that you know you can accomplish, no matter how small. Remember that your natural inclination is to think that you will fail. By setting small goals, such as planning to speak to one new person each Sabbath, or raising your hand at least once in each class, you will grow over time.

With each objective, do not focus only on the results. Just note that you spoke with a new person and raised your hand. You should not obsess over what the conversation was like or how your comment was received in class. This will help you overcome your fear of what others think of you.

As your confidence increases, your goals can grow.

In everything, keep it simple. Seek out both those you feel comfortable around and those who are older (and thus have more to talk about). Even then, you may feel as though you have failed or have embarrassed yourself when you make a mistake or say something wrong. However, as time goes on, successes will happen more often and you will learn to look past your perceived failures. The more you succeed, the more confident you will become.

Whenever you find yourself anxious about making small talk, turn it around so that you view it as helping others—rather than making it all about yourself. Seek out the people who are on the fringes of a group and look just as uncomfortable as you may feel. Start a conversation with them. In doing so, you can get through the social event together and make a connection with someone new in the process.

Through it all, recognize that you are never alone. God is an empathetic Being. He knows all of your feelings and understands your struggles. Many people have attempted to overcome their debilitating shyness themselves, and have experienced relative success. But God knows how to help you overcome. Share all of your problems with Him in prayer, and ask for help. Remember, the confidence you need will not come bounding out of heaven in an instant. Over time, God will help you develop who you are.

Gaining Experience

If you are committed to overcoming shyness, you must first come to grips with this truth: If you go through life expecting other people to make the initial step of including you, you will often be disappointed. You must be willing to reach out to them. Others around you likely do not realize the difficulty you have opening up. They may even be shy themselves!

Push yourself to take initiative. Though this can seem daunting, you can practice conversing with others by putting yourself in situations that force you to do so. ReachOut Australia, an online mental health service, stated that to face shyness, “baby steps are the way to go. If you challenge yourself straight up to make 15 best mates in a week, you might be setting the bar a bit high. Your first goal might be to have a five-minute chat with someone you don’t know very well.”

Obtaining employment is a wonderful way to get started. Virtually any job, whether you are part of a landscaping team at a golf course, a food preparer or cashier at a fast food chain, or a pizza delivery driver, involves speaking with co-workers, a manager, and customers on a daily basis. Communication in the workplace is made simple because everyone has something in common to talk about—the tasks at hand. In some jobs, such as retail or food services, there is usually a script for how to speak with customers. Though you still need to engage them, much of the mystery disappears when you have rehearsed generally what you will say.

Similar benefits can be achieved by participating in after-school sports programs or other extracurricular pursuits such as joining the school yearbook team or playing an instrument in a jazz ensemble. As you work with a group toward a common goal (winning a game, giving a performance, etc.), your communication abilities will flourish.

Strive to view each activity or event as an opportunity, whether it is a field trip, family get-together, or school dance.

Note: If someone invites you to take part in an event, you could hurt their feelings by not attending, even if it is because you feel shy. You may know that you are not participating because you are afraid, but to those planning the activity, it could come off as though you do not like them. There is also a risk that those who do attend will think you see yourself as “too good” for them—even though you did not mean it this way.

Overall, if an activity is profitable, do your best to be involved. And when there is a legitimate reason not to attend, extend the courtesy of thanking the person who invited you, and, if appropriate, give a brief explanation of why you cannot make it. This applies when an invitation is given face-to-face, but also to those received by email or other means. Ignoring an invitation and saying nothing is a surefire way to not be invited again!

At the end of each day, it is worthwhile to reflect on the social interactions you had. First, value each step of progress, no matter how small. If you felt awkward or said the wrong thing, do not worry. Plan what you would do differently next time, and keep moving forward.

Above all, focus on the big picture. Try your best to avoid putting everything you say under a microscope. Instead, realize that the things you worry about—what you say, how you look, etc.—are usually not perceived the same way by others.

Foundational Points

Understanding basic keys to conversation can give you additional confidence. While there is no single formula for every situation, if you apply these points, you will see great results.

Smile often: This outward display of happiness makes you appear friendly and approachable. While it is a simple behavior, smiling can have an enormously positive impact on how others see you. Wise King Solomon wrote, “A man that has friends must show himself friendly” (Prov. 18:24). Smiling is the simplest way to display happiness and help others feel more comfortable approaching you.

Ask open-ended questions: People enjoy talking about themselves. If you encourage them to do so, they may consider you a great conversationalist simply because you asked them questions! If the thought of speaking about yourself makes you nervous, this can be a way to ease into developing your conversation skills. As you achieve small victories by relying on questions, it can build your confidence to begin sharing your own life with others.

Effective questions are those that encourage a response beyond just “yes” or “no.” Questions such as, “What is your favorite hobby?” “Which season do you like the best?” or “What did you do this week?” are a good start. For an even more engrossing discussion, make sure to ask why, as in “Why is blue your favorite color?” and “What was the most memorable part of your vacation and why?”

Listen attentively: Throughout a conversation, do not worry about what you are going to say next. Instead, truly focus on the other person. Look him in the eye, picture in your mind what he is talking about, and do not be afraid of silence. Silence can be used to think about what the person said, instead of worrying how awkward it feels to be unable to respond right away. The response will come naturally.

Giving someone your full attention and allowing him to talk is yet another way to exhibit God’s way of GIVE.

Remember what others tell you about themselves: The simple act of thoughtfully taking in what others have to say, rather than overenthusiastically “butting in” with your own opinion, will instantly set you apart.

This can also be a way to increase your “conversation arsenal.” Effective listening empowers you to occasionally reintroduce subjects that you have previously discussed, letting others know that you truly appreciated what they shared.

Listening and remembering details that are important to others only requires a small amount of effort, but it can make a big impact!

For example, if someone mentions that they are learning to draw, you can ask them how their artwork is going weeks or months later as a natural follow-up question. If someone tells you that his uncle has fallen ill, you can show that you care by later asking if his relative is feeling better.

Develop and understand your own interests: Learn which types of hobbies, sports, music, books, art, cuisine, etc., you enjoy the most. Take the time to explore a variety of wholesome activities and entertainment. While doing so, challenge yourself to scrutinize why you appreciate what you do. For example, when you watch a movie, do not settle for simply proclaiming, “I liked it.” Push yourself to go deeper by evaluating exactly what elements stood out to you. By making this a consistent habit, you will build a reservoir of knowledge that will enable you to discuss these subjects with others.

The more you experience and think about a subject, and dig into all of its little details, the more easily you can talk about it. This will also help you share yourself with others.

For instance, if the subject of literature comes up, you can explain the strengths of a particular genre and perhaps recommend a book that others would enjoy. Otherwise, if you have not developed an interest in this area, all you could say is, “I’ve never really thought about that.”

While everyone has only a limited amount of time and you cannot become an expert in everything, strive to always have something worthwhile to say. For people to be interested in you, you have to be interesting!

If you would like additional understanding about the “nuts and bolts” of conversation, consider reading the book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Your local library likely has a copy, or it can be purchased inexpensively online. Though it has been around for many decades, the knowledge this book contains is timeless.

Communication Goals

The easiest people to apply these principles to are those in God’s Church, which is filled with friends who want to see you succeed. It is natural that you will feel most comfortable opening up to those who believe and live God’s Way, as you are striving to do.

You can also view interactions with brethren in the Church as a steppingstone to becoming more at ease in speaking to others with whom you are less familiar. As you attend Ambassador Youth Camp, the Feast of Tabernacles, and activities with brethren in your area, the triumphs experienced at these events will build your momentum toward overcoming shyness. If you have the opportunity to attend AYC, determine to make this year’s camp a real breakthrough in your journey of overcoming shyness. It is an absolutely perfect place for you to open up to others!

It should be mentioned that there may be some reading this article who find it difficult to even speak with Church members. If this is you, be inspired by this point: Christians are literally commanded to show love toward you and esteem you as better than themselves (I Pet. 2:17; Phil. 2:3). No one else will be applying these verses—but the people of God will! There is no need to be shy around them.

The question may arise: How outgoing can you be toward those who are not in the Church? Though you do need to avoid certain activities in the world, it is important to not take on a loner persona, or be viewed by others as antisocial or standoffish. Even though you will not be friends with everyone, you can always be friendly to everyone! Practicing outgoing concern for all shows a wonderful example of God’s Way. Take a moment to read Matthew 5:14-16 and Colossians 4:5-6.

Ultimately, your aim should be to have the ability to positively communicate with all people, including classmates, neighbors, co-workers, relatives and others in your everyday life. You should be able to speak confidently with those you have known for many years and those you are meeting for the first time. You should be prepared to interact with those in your age group, but also those who are younger or older. And you should also look forward to getting to know those who come from different cultures and backgrounds.

Emulate the approach taken by Paul, who stated that he was “made all things to all men” (I Cor. 9:22) so that he could more effectively help them. Give of yourself so that you can understand people of every age group, nationality and race. By doing so, you can even better serve others!

Looking Ahead

Having patience in the process of overcoming shyness is vital. Do not expect to defeat it overnight, as all skills take time to learn. But as you grow older, and gain maturity and life experience, it will become easier. John Quincy Adams put it this way: “Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.”

Just think—the future holds many opportunities to spend time with new people. As God’s Work continues to expand as time goes forward, more individuals—children, teenagers and adults—will be coming into contact with the Church and beginning to attend services. Some of them may be shy, just like you. But they will want to be included—just like you.

In your present circumstances, you may need to summon a lot of effort to begin building relationships with others. But once you do, you will find yourself in a unique position to help other shy teens you encounter. They may not need to put forth as much effort as you did, because you will be there to help them.

There may have never been someone in your life who reached out and helped when you felt especially shy. But you can be that sort of person in someone else’s life!

If you overcome this fear, you will be able to keep an eye out for those who seem withdrawn and uncomfortable—those who are stymied by the idea of meeting someone for the first time—those who require encouragement to take advantage of new opportunities. When you see someone pacing, hiding in the corner of the room, or sighing to themselves, you will have the power to help them.