Learn to Defeat Loneliness

As a teen, I attended the Feast of Tabernacles in Niagara Falls, Canada. Although I was shy, I made effort to meet others my age who were attending the site. Over the course of eight days, I learned their names and spent time with them at Church events like Family Day and the Dinner Dance, as well as other activities.

Following afternoon services on the Last Great Day, my friends and I rushed to exchange contact information, intending to keep in touch after we returned home. My piece of notebook paper quickly filled with names and email addresses, each carrying the hopeful potential of deeper friendship.

After my return, I was optimistic and eager to begin our long-distance correspondence. I wrote a personal message to everyone on my list. My expectations were high for a full email inbox.

I was in for a letdown.

Some did not respond at all. Others responded at first, but subsequent attempts to communicate fell flat. Of course, long-distance friendships are difficult. Everyday life can easily get in the way of communicating with those who do not live in your area. Yet these realities did not stop me from feeling disappointed, discouraged—lonely.

Chances are you have felt like I did, whether now or in the past. You may be experiencing “post-Feast letdown” in the absence of others with whom you spent eight days. Perhaps you do not have many or any teens in your congregation. Maybe you have made efforts to stay in touch with others around the world, but they have not been reciprocated. And simply living the right way of life in a dark world can make any Christian feel lonely.

God’s Church is a little flock (Luke 12:32), so your pool of potential friends is small. It can be frustrating to not have someone your age to talk with, especially while you are surrounded by many other teens at school who do not share your beliefs.

These feelings are only exacerbated by coronavirus lockdowns, social distancing, and remote learning. You just feel alone.

In 2018, BBC conducted a survey called the Loneliness Experiment. The news agency reported: “When you picture someone who’s lonely, the stereotype is often an older person who lives alone and hardly sees anyone…Yet the differences between age groups are striking. Levels of loneliness were actually highest among 16-24 year olds, with 40% saying they often or very often feel lonely.”

Loneliness is more pervasive among teens than most realize. And remaining lonely can lead to depression, self-focus, pursuing the wrong kind of friendships, poor health, and countless other bad effects.

Yet, if you are currently feeling this way, there is hope. While you cannot conjure reliable friends into your congregation out of thin air, your actions do have a real impact on your happiness. When I was lonely, I came to learn that improvement depended mostly on what I chose to do, not what others did. By practicing specific behaviors, you can defeat the impact of loneliness—and achieve personal growth in the process.

The Bible’s Perspective

The Bible is our guide through life. Does it have anything to say about loneliness?

Although the terms “lonely” and “loneliness” are nowhere found in the King James Version, God’s Word does contain accounts of people who felt alone.

In I Kings 19, Elijah fled for his life when he was being pursued by Jezebel’s forces. While hiding in a cave, he felt so distressed that he asked God to take his life! When God asked Elijah what was bothering him, he twice responded, “I, even I only, am left” (vs. 10, 14).

God encouraged this prophet by directly addressing his loneliness: “I have left Me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal…” (vs. 18).

Clearly, God understood what Elijah was going through. He did not condemn him or tell him to “just get over it.” Instead, He reassured him with the knowledge that there were other people he did not know about who had not compromised living God’s way of life.

When you think of God’s greatest servants, it can be easy to miss that they went through the same struggles you do. Elijah was not so different from you or me. The Bible confirms this: “Elijah was a man subject to like passions as we are…” (Jms. 5:17).

Some of the most important Bible figures felt the pangs of loneliness. Psalm 42 shows King David suffering from it—take time to read the entire chapter.

Jesus Christ Himself struggled. Just before His death, He “cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? That is to say, My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matt. 27:46).

Think. Christ had full knowledge of His Father’s Plan. He knew exactly why God had forsaken Him. This “loud cry” came from the impact of being alone, severed from contact with the Father. You may have never thought of it this way, but this famous statement is an expression of loneliness!

We were designed to be social beings—we need contact with others. Without this, we will feel something is missing. Elijah, David and Christ all experienced it, and it is only natural you will find yourself occasionally feeling alone as well. While this is normal, a danger lies in allowing this emotion to engulf and control your life.

Here are three areas you can focus your energy on overcoming the problem.

Draw Close to God

The first step to combat loneliness is to fellowship. Obviously, a lack of spending time with others is what caused you to be lonely in the first place!

However, there is another type of fellowship that is infinitely more important than having it with fellow teenagers—and it is available 24/7.

The apostle John wrote, “Truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son Jesus Christ” (I John 1:3). Although you cannot see or hear God as you would a person, you can build and maintain a strong personal relationship with Him through Bible study and prayer.

When you are lonely, immerse yourself in God’s Word. This can involve simply setting aside more quiet time to read your Bible, asking your parents for access to the featured items in Member Services, finding a sermon you have never heard before or a speaker you have never listened to in the Sermon Library, organizing and reviewing your notes from services, building or revising a prayer list, studying back issues of Ambassador Youth, and much more.

Jesus told His disciples, “I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of My Father I have made known unto you” (John 15:15). And the Bible says Abraham “believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God” (Jms. 2:23). Not only can you have fellowship with God, you can be His friend!

Being isolated should motivate you to draw close to God. When you feel overwhelmed, He wants to hear from you. As our Creator, He understands how we feel better than anyone else ever could. Yet He still wants us to ask Him to comfort and guide us through hardships. Make sure you are “casting all your care upon Him; for He cares for you” (I Pet. 5:7).

As wonderful as it would be to have more friends in the Church, your connection with God is more valuable than a thousand close friends. Use your time alone to commune with Him.

Look Around You

Regardless of how you feel, you are never truly alone. Think about the people you encounter each day—do you take them for granted? By focusing too much on what you lack, you can lose sight of who is right in front of you.

The next step to combatting loneliness is to appreciate the people who are already in your life who care about you. These include parents and siblings, but also other members in your local congregation, your local minister and his wife, and others. How often do you actively communicate with them? Or do you more often find yourself avoiding them because they are not your age? Putting more effort into these relationships can benefit you more than you may think!

Sadly, many teens do not have strong family relationships. A 2018 survey commissioned by Visit Anaheim found that American families spent just 37 minutes of quality time together on a typical weekday.

But you do not have to be a victim of this trend. You can make an effort to start conversation or engage in activities.

Because many teens do not think adults can relate to them or their problems, some are embarrassed to be seen in public with adults, preferring exclusive contact with those their age. Not only can you find common ground with the adults in your life, they have already been through many of your experiences and can provide surprising solutions. Most are more apt to listen to you than you may think.

Engage them about their hobbies and interests. Even if you are many years apart, a shared love of sports or music can transcend the age gap. And everyone, no matter their age, appreciates when you show genuine interest in them. Doing this is as simple as asking, “How was your week?” or “What did you think of today’s sermon?”

Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends & Influence People, wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

If someone asks how you are doing, do not be afraid to open up about your fight with loneliness. Most likely, they will be quick to encourage you.

Also, get involved in your local congregation. Ask your minister for ways to participate in fundraising or how you can help with a duty at Sabbath services. These opportunities often involve teamwork and communication with others. Serving helps take your mind away from inward feelings and focus on others.

An article about battling loneliness in Greater Good Magazine stated: “Whatever you are drawn to, your act of service is an act of connection that will help lift your loneliness. Research shows that compassion and service can be of tremendous benefit. Often, when we feel down or alone, our vision and universe become very narrow. Helping others can immediately change our perspective and re-energize us, which is why compassion has been linked to well-being.”

Better Yourself

A common cause of loneliness is free time. You may be familiar with the adage “time is money.” Like money, time can either be properly spent or wasted. Do not waste your extra time moping around, seeking empty distractions or pursuing wrong entertainment. Instead, harness your free time for good!

The third area to focus on is personal development. Seek to improve yourself: your personality, physical fitness, hobbies and more. Doing so will help you take your mind off of your problems, and will ultimately help you become a more interesting person. This alone will attract others’ attention, which will further reduce your loneliness.

Consider Jesus’ admonition in Luke 19: “Occupy till I come” (vs. 13). The word occupy means to stay busy. This command does not only apply to your parents—it applies to you too! Recall the various sermons and comments given in Behind the Work making plain that Christians are to grow and pursue success in life. Apply this personally.

You are only limited by your imagination. Here are some ideas: Take an online personality test. Develop an exercise routine. Study Church literature and other resources about health and fitness. This can include learning how to prepare a healthy meal. Experiment with different hobbies: painting, woodworking, singing, golfing, photography, capturing and editing video, and more. You never know how your interests will pay off in the future. Something you pursue for enjoyment now can blossom into a career later!

Develop a real thirst for knowledge. Whether you are attending school in person or remotely, strive for excellence. Identify which subjects interest you the most, and make them a part of your life beyond just the time you are “in school.” Use websites like How Stuff Works and Khan Academy. Listen to podcasts and view TED talks. Take advantage of the free resources available to anyone with an internet connection that students decades ago never imagined!

Another good use of your time is to prepare earnestly for AYC 2021. Equip yourself to excel at the activities and to befriend the new campers you will meet. Be resourceful in finding ways to raise funds. If you are of age, consider a part-time job. Beyond the monetary value, it will force you to interact with the public, which will bolster your social skills.

While you do not know exactly what activities will be offered at the next camp, you do know that there will be sports, time in nature and public speaking. You can begin preparing for these now! View YouTube videos of famous athletes. Analyze their feats to glean ways you can improve your own performance. Familiarize yourself with the rules of play. Spend time outdoors and be observant. Learn to identify birds, plants and trees. Craft an interesting experience speech and record yourself delivering it. The possibilities are endless.

Famed inventor Thomas Edison said, “The best thinking has been done in solitude. The worst has been done in turmoil.” While being lonely can feel like turmoil, if you learn to appreciate solitude, you can use it to do some of your best thinking. Time spent alone, in balance, often allows you to go much deeper into bettering yourself than you could otherwise.

See the Big Picture

“When you become lonely, you start to act and see the world differently…you expect to be rejected more often, and become more judgmental of the people you interact with,” The Conversation reported. “People that you talk to can feel this, and as a result, start moving away from you, which perpetuates your loneliness cycle.”

What is the solution? “Getting rid of loneliness is…about letting go of cynicism and mistrust of others. So next time you meet someone new, try to lose that protective shield and really allow them in, even though you don’t know what the outcome will be.”

Resist being cynical when meeting new people. Give every teen you encounter at the Feast, AYC or elsewhere the benefit of the doubt. Do not allow past setbacks to be justification for shunning people. You may be lonely, but you must not become a loner!

When you feel down, strive to get out of it by thinking about things for which you are grateful: God’s plan for you, hope in the future and relationships you can have. Do not wait for others to “cure” your loneliness—only you can.

Consider what the Bible says about the prophesied time just ahead: “Many people shall go and say, Come you, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; and He will teach us of His ways…” (Isa. 2:3). Widespread obedience to God will be the perfect foundation for right friendships!

Here is what life will look like: “They helped every one his neighbor; and every one said to his brother, Be of good courage. So the carpenter encouraged the goldsmith, and he that smooths with the hammer him that smote the anvil…” (41:6-7).

Today, people can live across the street from one another for years without even learning each other’s names! In God’s Kingdom, neighbors will actively help and encourage one other—no room for loneliness there.

Whatever you are dealing with will not last forever. Your isolation may seem difficult for the moment, but God will provide you with friends you can rely on. Until then, determine to live His way of life wholeheartedly, regardless of your current situation. You will find that you have more Christian friends than you could ever have imagined.