The Lost Art of Conversation

We have never been so connected.

With the buzz of our phones, we receive updates in text messages from friends and family. We share photos of ourselves, sound recordings, even homework through file-sharing sites. When we want to see each other in high definition, video call apps are clicks away. Even when we are not directly in contact, we still keep tabs on others’ lives by scrolling through social media posts.

The ability to quickly connect is a wonderful facet of the internet age. But all this instant communication means we are losing something. It is the kind of connection that can bring the most stimulation, fulfillment, closer bonds, and personal development.

“Face-to-face conversation is the most human—and humanizing—thing we do,” wrote Sherry Turkle in her book Reclaiming Conversation. “Fully present to one another, we learn to listen. It’s where we develop the capacity for empathy. It’s where we experience the joy of being heard, of being understood.”

Conversations are key points of our lives. Much more than an exchange of information between two people, it is an art—an arena for expressing a range of emotions, experiences, viewpoints. When done right, the world around you slips away and you focus solely on the other person.

The wisest man who ever lived understood the power of conversation when he wrote Proverbs 15:23: “A man has joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!” He also stated that as “ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so does the sweetness [pleasantness] of a man’s friend by hearty counsel” (27:9).

King Solomon understood a conversation that drills deep can be life changing.

It is never too late to recapture the lost art of conversation. Developing your verbal communication skills will build better friendships between you and other teens. Most important, it will prepare you for future success by strengthening your “word power”—a precious tool that will benefit you in future relationships, increase your attractiveness to potential employers, and provide a foundation for becoming a leader later in life.

In this age of messaging and networking, there are steps you can take to enhance your ability to speak and carry on a productive conversation.

Give Yourself Something to Talk About

Before starting a meaningful conversation, you must recognize the most important step: have something to talk about!

It has been said, “It’s a good thing that the weather changes often because, if it didn’t, 90 percent of people would have nothing to talk about.” How true! Many do not strive to say anything interesting or worthwhile simply because they do not actively learn. Be sure you are not one of them.

• Develop a fund of knowledge. Learning about a wide range of subjects through documentaries, video clips, magazine subscriptions and books will increase your vocabulary and general knowledge.
• Pay attention to local, national and world news. Being aware of what is happening in your area and across the world will keep you from being lost or confused when others converse about events.
• Experience something new or attempt a new activity (using good judgment and moderation, of course). Look up a new trail to explore with a friend. Find a recipe and cook, or have a cooking competition with friends. Plant a vegetable or flower garden—or a tree. Trying something new will not only be rewarding, it will give you the experience to speak knowledgably about what you did.
• Set aside time to talk with someone from a different generation. Even if it is a familiar family member, you will find that a lifetime of experiences provides a person with many interesting stories and valuable lessons to share.

These simple things will give you something interesting to talk about and may provide you with new stories to tell—all of which are infinitely more interesting than talking about the weather!

(Unless, of course, you are explaining the science of a thunderstorm—describing the differences between negative- and positive-charged lightning. Or identifying the various kinds of clouds and discussing how they are formed. Or…you get the idea.)

“Swift to Hear”

People have grown accustomed to focusing almost exclusively on themselves. Most are only concerned about expressing their own likes and dislikes—what they have done—what they want to do—or what physical objects they desire.

We all have been in situations in which no matter what you said to others, the conversation always seemed to turn back to them. They focus entirely on what they want to say instead of sharing the conversation.

Be sure you are not that person! Avoid hijacking conversations by immediately changing the subject to yourself. For example, if your friend mentions, “I’m so excited for the vacation my family is going on this summer,” do not retort, “Oh yeah? Well I’m going to be stuck at home working.”

Not only can this sound like you are trying to one-up the discussion, it essentially screams you are not really interested in others. That leaves your friend silently feeling crushed at the wasted opportunity to discuss his plans for the summer—and subsequently less willing to share anything more with you.

Instead of resorting to this classic conversation killer, listen.

Jesus Christ said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). One of the best ways to practice His instruction is to actively pay attention to others in conversation. The apostle James instructed those desiring to live God’s Way to be “swift to hear and slow to speak” (Jms. 1:19).

Let the words of the person you are talking to soak in. As you let your friend talk, you will forget about your own problems or things you want to say and will think of additional questions to further explore the topic.

You will learn new things and form a bond with the person with whom you are speaking as you learn more details about his or her life. Comment on what he or she is saying and ask questions.

Of course, this does not mean you should just continually pepper others with questions and let them monologue. At key moments—especially if you feel others are simply “enjoying the sound of their own voice”—a graceful interruption can send the right message. Interruptions should aim to benefit the conversation.

To avoid monopolizing the conversation, a good rule of thumb is to time yourself in the same way traffic lights work. Dr. Marty Nemko, a Psychology Today career coach, wrote: “During the first 30 seconds of an utterance, your light is green. That means your listener is listening and not thinking you talk too much. During the next 30 seconds, your light is yellow. That means the risk is increasing that your listener is bored, overwhelmed, or dying to respond. After the one-minute mark, your light is red. Yes, occasionally, you can go beyond a minute, for example, when telling an interesting story, but generally you should stop or ask a question.”

Be Responsive

We say more through our body language than we do our words. Various studies point to the idea that 70-93 percent of information is communicated by nonverbal means.

Using these four elements of body language can help show others you are interested.

Eye contact: Most often, people look at others’ mouths when listening to them speak. While you should aim to look into a person’s eyes most of the time, variety is key. Staring without blinking makes it look like you are daydreaming (or attempting some sort of mind control). In general, avoid looking away—it tells the other person you only enjoy yourself when you are talking. Instead, use nonverbal cues to show what you are thinking as you listen. These include nodding your head in agreement, opening your eyes wide if you are surprised, and furrowing your eyebrows when puzzled.

Posture: An open stance is most inviting: relaxed shoulders with arms on the sides, head looking straight on. Reduce off-putting habits such as fidgeting and looking down when someone is talking, folding arms, or resting hands on hips.

Gestures: Nod your head occasionally to show you are emotionally reacting to what a person says. Show confusion by shrugging your shoulders, or curiosity by tilting your head. When you are speaking, use small hand and arm movements to emphasize points—but make sure you are not constantly gyrating.

Touch: Everyone’s personal space is different. Avoid being touchy if you are unfamiliar with a person, aside from a handshake. High-fiving, friendly backslapping, and hugs are all for people with whom you are close. There may also be times you want to emphasize a point by briefly tapping the person’s arm or shoulder.

As you practice using these techniques, they will become a natural part of a more interesting speaking and listening style.

Take Initiative!

What if every person in a room waited for someone else to talk to them? The result should be obvious. No one would ever meet new people or even begin a conversation!

Take the initiative. The next time you are in a social setting, walk up to someone you have never met and introduce yourself. Although this may sound frightening to those who lack confidence, this is the best way to meet new people, and it will help you build an attractive personality. People are naturally drawn to those who appear confident and outgoing, even when among strangers.

Consider also that many are shy themselves, and think, “I wish someone would come up and talk to me!” So remember, even though you may be uncertain at first, walk up to someone you do not know, offer your hand with a smile and introduce yourself.

A Way of Giving

Building both your speaking and listening skills will help you become a more interesting person, build a more attractive personality, and deepen friendships. Most important, it is a way to grow in godly character.

Each time you make the effort to initiate a conversation and sustain that effort by showing genuine interest, you are practicing God’s way of giving. You are allowing the other person to impact you, which will make him or her feel valued. The rewards are innumerable.

Recall Christ stated, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” The term blessed means supremely blessed, fortunate and well off.

Do not fall prey to the shallow communication that surrounds you. Bring back the lost art of conversation!