Get Along with Your Siblings!

IRK. This tiny word is defined by Merriam-Webster as “the fact of being annoying” or “a source of annoyance.”

Be honest. Did your siblings come to mind when you read that definition? When was the last time your brother or sister was a source of annoyance to you? Maybe it was their loud singing in the shower. Or their snoring at night. Or their not-so-funny jokes that seem to be made at your expense. Or it may just feel like your brothers or sisters get in the way of everything you try to do.

Yes, siblings can irk you at times. The verb form of the word means to make weary or irritated. Left unchecked, this can get serious—even dangerous! The book Siblings: You’re Stuck With Each Other, So Stick Together lists bickering, battling, teasing, tattling, competing, complaining, sneaking, peeking, hogging, bugging, lying, denying, bossing, spying, disagreeing and refereeing as things “kids say they are sick of.” Further, a Psychology Today article stated that “85 percent of siblings are verbally aggressive, 74 percent push and shove, and 40 percent are physically aggressive, which can include kicking, punching, and biting.”

Thankfully, your parents are keeping a watchful eye to avoid things escalating to the worst categories above. However, challenges will arise even in a family led by a converted father and mother.

God surely knew siblings could act this way when He told mankind to “be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1:22)—a command that would lead to families having more than one child. But human nature, not God, is to blame for sibling rivalry. God desires harmony among brethren. Read Psalm 133:1.

Rest assured: Good things can come from the sibling experience over time. The people skills you develop along the way can lead to a happier, more successful adulthood. A study by Harvard University that tracked 300 men for 75 years found that “93 percent of the men who were thriving at 65 had been close to a sibling in their early life.”

Better yet, in God’s Church, you have an advantage: The Bible teaches people skills from the unique perspective of the best Parent in the universe—God the Father—and Jesus, who is the firstborn brother among Christians (Rom. 8:29).

The following skillset is your Bible guide to getting along with brothers and sisters.

Share

Being a sibling requires you to share. Already, you share parents. Siblings living together, however, share much more than this: a home, food, time together, chores and much more. The sooner you accept this reality, the happier you will be.

God knows this does not always come naturally. Hebrews 13:16 states, “Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God” (English Standard Version). He calls sharing sacrifices. A sacrifice is not easy, but God says it is pleasing to Him if you are willing to do it. And He will bless you for it.

The more you share, the easier sharing becomes. Soon, it no longer feels like a sacrifice, even though it still is. Instead, you enjoy sharing!

Eventually, sharing will become part of your character. When that happens, you are actually developing God’s character! He is the ultimate sharer (Jms. 1:17). He and Christ share everything They have and look forward to sharing the entire universe with us (Rev. 21:7).

Learning to share with your siblings is part of your training for that staggering future!

Avoid Arguing

“No fair!” “Give it back!” “Leave me alone!” “Hey, what about me?!” “It’s my turn!” “You’re not the boss of me!” These are all sections in the Siblings book mentioned earlier.

Do any of those statements sound familiar? Anyone with siblings can probably relate. In II Timothy, God advises you how to deal with these situations: “A servant of the Lord must not argue. Instead, he must be kind to everyone, teachable, willing to suffer wrong, and gentle when refuting opponents…” (2:24-25, International Standard Version).

Few things smother the spark of a good relationship like arguing. This never does any good!

When disagreements arise—even in the best families—look for solutions, not tactics to win an a verbal sparring match. A conversation between siblings should not devolve into debate.

If you push it, you may find yourself isolated, left telling yourself, “Yeah, but I was right.” Never risk souring a relationship just for being “right”!

Verse 23 of II Timothy gives the secret to stopping any argument before it starts: “Do not have anything to do with foolish and stupid discussions, because you know they breed arguments” (ISV). Believe God: Avoid foolish and stupid conversations, and arguments will disappear! Can you think of examples where a conversation went out of control because of something stupid someone said?

Exactly!

Learn to ask yourself before you speak: Is this comment going to be edifying or plain stupid? Does it feel like it will make my sibling happy or as if I threw a grenade into the conversation? This is known as self-control. With prayer and practice, you can get better at it.

Remember that this verse is meant to help you discern what subjects to avoid—not a license to tell anyone that you perceive their viewpoint is foolish or stupid. While you cannot control what comes out of your brother or sister’s mouth, you can work on what comes out of yours.

Make Peace

Most people can come into a situation where everyone is getting along and preserve that peace. It is not difficult to be a “peacekeeper.”

However, being a peacemaker (Matt. 5:9) requires manufacturing peace when it is gone.

Sometimes teens go straight to their parents about little offenses hoping that mom or dad will step in and resolve the situation. While this seems like the easiest way out, the only ones learning to make peace here are the parents.

Matthew 18:15-17 reveals a different, much more effective process that teaches you to become a peacemaker. While this process is for general grievances between any two people, it can also work for siblings.

(1) First, you should “go and tell [your brother] his fault between you and him alone…”

(2) “But if he will not hear you, then take with you one or two more [for example, another sibling], that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.”

(3) “And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the Church [in this case, your parents]…”

Siblings have much to gain from handling interpersonal issues by themselves. In any circumstance, a parent can help with or offer guidance on how to approach the situation. But do not be afraid to apply the methods outlined in Matthew 18 with your sibling. Parental involvement should be a last resort for conflict resolution.

Of course, a parent should be involved immediately if it is a more significant issue (involving the possibility of injury, etc.).

The goal is always peace. Do not allow yourself ever to hold a grudge.

After hearing Christ’s reconciliation method, the disciple Peter asked Jesus in verses 21-22, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus said unto him, I say not unto you, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

This 70 x 7 is simply God’s way of saying always. Forgiveness is a prerequisite for peace. Only then is the process complete.

Think of how Joseph in the Old Testament forgave his brothers after everything they did to him—he was thrown in a pit and sold into slavery. They took away his special coat and lied to their father about him being dead. Read the story in Genesis chapters 37 and 39-47. When the tables turned, and Joseph was in a position of authority, he did not seek revenge. Instead, he forgave his brothers and saved their lives.

Own Your Faults

What about when you are the one who “blew it” and took away the peace? Maybe something bothered you, and you overreacted. Or you just made an honest mistake. If so, be quick to apologize (Matt. 5:25). Saying “I’m sorry” and owning your faults can work wonders.

Proverbs 21:14 has a valuable tip: “A gift in secret pacifies anger…” Sometimes, giving your brother or sister a gift may be appropriate to help calm things down. (You can think of it as figuratively putting a pacifier in their mouth!)

Other tips from Proverbs include: “A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (15:1) and “a soft tongue breaks the bone” (25:15). Apply these when you handle any tense conversations.

The story of how Jacob approached his brother Esau after having deceitfully supplanted him out of his birthright is a classic example of these principles. He “took of that which came to his hand a present for Esau his brother” (Gen. 32:13). He applied the concept of a “gift in secret pacifies.” Here is how they finally made up: “And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept” (Gen. 33:4). In verse 8, Esau asked about the gifts. Jacob answered, “These are my gifts to you so that you might accept me” (Easy-to-Read Version).

Jacob knew he had defrauded his brother and showed humility. He used a “soft answer” and a “soft tongue.” In doing so, he won back his brother.

Rely on One Another

Now back to the story of Joseph. When he saw his brothers in distress during a time of adversity—widespread famine—he did not seek revenge. Instead, he stepped in to help. That proves a fascinating principle found in Proverbs 17:17. The verse states, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

If you are a sibling, God says you were “born for adversity.” Infuriating as you may think your siblings are at times, you were created with a “compassion gene” toward them in times of trouble.

This means you were all specifically designed to care for, help, support, defend and protect one another. At this point, you may stop and look at your little sister and think: “No way, that’s impossible!” But God says otherwise. This happens often in tough times, even with siblings outside the Church. Something “clicks,” and they cannot help but to rely on each other in challenging times. (Of course, in a world cut off from the true God, there are exceptions and varying degrees of how this happens.)

Most children growing up together have never heard of such a verse. If they knew of it, it could help them work on being nicer to each other.

Next time your siblings get on your nerves, think of Proverbs 17:17 and Joseph’s example. Remind yourself: “That’s okay; I know someday they will have my back, and I’ll have theirs too!”

Encourage

Hebrews 10:24 states, “Let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works…”

Recognizing others when they do something right is one of the most effective ways to “provoke” a sibling to be their best.

This is because we were designed to receive sincere praise from others: “As the fining pot for silver, and the furnace for gold; so is a man to his praise” (Prov. 27:21).

Famed author Dale Carnegie well understood the power of praise. In his bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People, he wrote: “Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

However, sincere praise is not flattery. Flattery inflates and is driven by ulterior motives. Praise involves recognizing someone else’s efforts and encouraging them to keep going.

The uplifting power of “likes” on social media and the devastating effect of the lack thereof shows how desperate people have become for positive feedback. Too many families tear each other down more than they build each other up.

As you spend time with your siblings, ask yourself: What do they do well? What are their strengths?

God often gives each member of the family natural talents. One illustration of this is three brothers described in Genesis 4:20-22. Each had a niche ability: “Jabal: who became the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle…And his brother’s name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ…[and] Tubalcain, an instructor of every artificer in brass and iron…”

In other cases, God gives the same ability to more than one sibling, such as Peter and Andrew, both skilled fishermen.

At a natural point, bring those things up to your sibling and offer encouragement—even simple things such as appreciating them for being a good listener or complimenting their stylish outfit.

Encouraging one another will make all your interactions more rewarding. Uplifting your siblings through sincere praise can have the same effect as giving a thoughtful gift, yet it costs nothing!

Set a Good Example

You may have heard that actions speak louder than words. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus Christ implied this when He commanded, “Let your light so shine…” (Matt. 5:16).

Later in the message, He added, “Therefore all things whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do you even so to them” (7:12).

If no one around you wants to smile, share, make peace, own their mistakes? You do it anyway. No one else will encourage? You step out and dare to make a difference. Be a person who always finds a way to turn negative situations into positive ones.

Others may pick up on this and do the same if you do. But someone must take the lead! Never be embarrassed about doing what is right regardless of what your siblings do. Instead of waiting for your siblings to be better, become the brother or sister you would like to have.

The parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15 is instructive here. One brother remained faithful to doing the right thing, and the other decided to pursue “wild living” (vs. 13, ISV).

Over time, the unruly brother realized he has been foolish and repents. When he returned home, their father was so happy that he threw a big party. The faithful son got a little jealous, yet his father encouraged him, saying in verses 31-32, “Son, you are ever with me, and all that I have is yours. It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this your brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.”

Another way this account can apply is if someone in your household sadly decides to leave the Church. Hopefully, that never happens to you, but know that remaining a “faithful son” can make a dramatic difference should your sibling decide to return.

In one recent real-life instance, a sibling who temporarily stopped attending was very grateful to have another sibling who stayed solid in the faith. Now, they are both baptized members, and their relationship has grown stronger than ever because of it.

It is also crucial to strike a delicate balance between being respectful, loving and non-judgmental about your sibling’s decisions while not compromising on God’s Way.

See the Big Picture

Proverbs 29:18 states, “Where there is no vision, the people are uncontrolled; but he who keeps the law will be happy” (Bible in Basic English).

Learning to get along sometimes comes down to getting out of your own head and being able to see the family’s big picture. Once you develop this “vision,” it is almost like having a superpower—sibling relations become much easier.

Do you see yourself as a lone ranger within the family or as an essential part of the unit with specific ways to help the whole? The more you understand your role and fulfill it, the easier it is to be “happy.” That is when being a sibling really turns into fun.

Learn to see yourself as your parent’s helper. There are tasks required to keep a home running smoothly. What are your tasks? Are you doing them every day? If you have siblings much younger than you, how are you helping your parents care for them? Have you ever asked them how you can help? In all this, the key is to focus on your own role and ensure you are doing your best rather than focusing on your siblings’ roles and responsibilities. If you focus on them, you will become judgmental, which will also provoke them to judge you—a recipe for contention.

If you are older, you can pass on lessons to help younger siblings avoid mistakes you made. If you have older siblings, you can ask them questions to learn from their experiences. Conversely, it is very special to a younger sibling when an older sibling acknowledges and learns from them as well.

When Joseph revealed who he was to his siblings after they previously did not recognize him, he told them: “I am Joseph your brother, whom you sold into Egypt. Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that you sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life” (Gen. 45:4-5).

Joseph could see the big picture despite everything that had happened to him. It helped him leave the past behind and move forward in restoring his relationship with his brethren.

Get Along!

No, you are not doomed to be irked throughout all the years of your youth. While God understands that siblings with human nature may slip into conflict from time to time, He also provides tools in His Word to work things out.

We have examined several practical ways to get along with your siblings. Ask God often for the wisdom to apply the points in this article properly. You should include this as part of your main prayers and in your mind when situations arise.

Your family is unique. There is only one of each of you in your household. No one else gets to ever claim to be your sibling and vice versa. Cherish that!

There is one more priceless advantage from learning to get along with your siblings now. These points apply not only to your flesh-and-blood family but also to your spiritual family, which includes everyone in God’s Church! Using what you have learned will prepare you for success in interacting with your brothers and sisters now and in future relationships with brethren in the Church.