Simplify Your Marriage!

Marriages are in trouble. Half end in divorce, and the rate of breakup for those who remarry is even higher. Any drop in divorce numbers over recent years is because fewer are choosing to tie the knot at all.

A leading cause of divorce is poor communication. Miscommunication, bad communication, or no communication can all drive couples to abandon their sacred vows.

Verbal expression is one of three indispensable components of a successful marriage—adequate finances and sexual relations being the others.

The “fruit of our lips” as a Christian is to offer praise to God (Heb. 13:15). But our words must go further. The apostle Paul said, “But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased” (vs. 16). Choosing and using the right words requires sacrifice, which is why so few do it well—and some try to avoid it.

The word for communicate in the verse means to form a partnership. This perfectly describes the ideal relationship between husband and wife. When married couples make an effort to work well together, God—the Author of marriage—is “well pleased” with the partnership.

Running a household, getting along, and raising children successfully all require husbands and wives to be on the same page. To remain in love and stimulate each other over a lifetime takes total commitment to openness and sharing things—both good and bad. Couples who put in the work find that their marriages last.

In principle, a marriage between a godly man and woman in the Church should be the happiest on the planet! But this is not automatic. As with all elements of Christianity, individuals must apply biblical principles of success in their marital relationships.

Ephesians 5:22-33 gives a detailed description of husbands’ and wives’ roles, and provide a wealth of guidance toward communication in a thriving and happy marriage.

Wives

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Eph. 5:22).

This verse instructs wives to submit to their husbands. This guideline, listed first, establishes government and the lines of communication in the home.

Adhering to this governmental order takes significant humility, trust and patience for an otherwise capable adult—in this case, the wife—to hand over control of the family to her husband. The modern feminist movement labels this principle as outdated and chauvinistic.

Open conversation from wives up the chain of command is crucial. Wives must offer their opinions based on their perspective and experience yet be willing to defer to their husbands’ final decision. A wise husband will take this counsel and move forward.

Submitting is not sitting around, waiting for the husband to decide everything on his own. Once again, communication is a partnership.

In some cases, the husband may delegate an entire element of running the household to his wife. It could be budgeting, paying bills, shopping, meal preparation, or working to generate additional income. Therefore, good verbal interaction is paramount. The wife must be willing and eager to communicate progress or problems in her areas of responsibility to her husband.

The verse does not explicitly say that wives should love their husbands. She expresses her love by her willingness to submit herself. She must verbalize and show her outgoing concern toward her spouse by coming under him and elevating him as head of the home. Her tone of voice should be one of support, not nagging. And she should not second-guess her husband’s decisions. Wives should express their concerns with humility and the recognition of the challenge it is to be head of the home.

The wife must communicate with zeal and dedication “as unto the Lord.”

“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the savior of the body” (Eph. 5:23).

This analogy is powerful. Every head needs a body, and every body needs a head. The husband must lead the wife, and the wife must allow her husband to lead her.

A woman’s years of independence before marriage prepares her to be her husband’s chief assistant. As his “help meet” (Gen. 2:18), she is his counterpart. She is there to aid and supplement her husband in performing his primary duty of leading the household. Her duties require adequate verbal skills.

Helpers identify deficiencies and do their best to fill them. Helpers are patient with those in charge. Helpers seek to improve problems, not pick them apart or make them worse. This means a wife’s well-chosen and timely words in assisting her husband are “like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Prov. 25:11). Her words can bring a unique perspective.

Just as a body would not physically fight the head it supports, the wife must not use words to oppose her husband or block his purpose in running the home. She must help her man shine at home and out in the world. A good wife appropriately communicates growth areas to her husband and never, ever disrespects his manhood or undercuts him with the children. The wife’s number-one goal as a helpmeet should be to make her husband’s job of managing the household easier.

“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing” (Eph. 5:24).

The relationship between Christ and the Church sets the standard. Just as the Church is subject to Christ and must communicate with Him toward the goal of salvation, the wife must work under her husband toward the purpose of a having a strong marriage and building a family.

A wife who is cooperative and communicates freely with her husband makes it easier for him to love her, strengthen her, and compliment her and their family. A rebellious, obstinate wife, on the other hand, can be next to impossible for a man to tolerate (Prov. 21:9, 19).

Being subject to her husband in “every thing” includes a wife showing genuine interest in her husband’s day and some of the daily challenges he faces. Yet she should remember that her husband is not a mind reader. She must also be open and not bottle up her feelings and emotions. Harboring ill feelings leads to passive-aggressive behavior or overreactions to smaller matters.

Additionally, wives are to be subject to their “own” husbands. This clarifies that she is not to submit to every male in her life the way she does with her husband. The words from a wife to her husband must be different—more open and intimate—than with any other man. Also, what goes on in the home, including mistakes, is no one else’s business.

A wife who gives her all in expressing herself sets her husband up to give all he has to offer, including his time, energy, thoughts, spiritual help, and encouragement.

Husbands

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it” (Eph. 5:25).

The wife’s role was listed first, however the husband’s orders are longer, meaning more is expected of him.

Since God is love (I John 4:16), the husband’s command to love his wife makes him a representation of God in the home. This reality should both motivate and sober every married man. Everything that goes on in the home is ultimately the husband’s responsibility. It all happens on his watch, and God will hold him accountable. This is the price of being in charge.

The greatest act of love was Christ sacrificing Himself for the Church and all mankind. A husband must likewise be a living sacrifice for his wife and family, showing daily leadership and inspiration for them to grow and improve.

The man must therefore take the lead in proper communication. He sets an example for the family. His words must “be always with grace, seasoned with salt” (Col. 4:6). Current and future husbands should read that sentence again. Husbands must never berate or talk down to their wives. The man’s correspondence with his wife must demonstrate patience and utmost care and concern for her needs, considering her strengths and weaknesses.

Husbands further sacrifice themselves by getting on their knees and asking God to help them love and communicate to their families. They should ask God to help root out the tendency of putting self before wife and family.

A husband sacrificing himself and acknowledging that he needs God’s help will inspire his wife and children, who will show love and loyalty toward him in return.

“That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word” (Eph. 5:26).

Like Christ toward the Church, the husband has an essential responsibility toward his wife and family. He is to help prepare them spiritually. This is done through his example and encouragement using God’s Word and guidance by the Holy Spirit.

Husbands should seek God for knowledge, wisdom and understanding (Prov. 2:6). He must then help his wife and children develop all three. This can be done by providing guidance on overcoming adversity, living a balanced life, setting short- and long-term goals, and much more.

Men must also keep in mind that their wives are the “weaker vessel” (I Pet. 3:7). The wife is not “weak”—she is the “weaker” of the two in the relationship. God made women this way, in part, to make it easier for them to submit. Any man who crushes his wife physically or emotionally with his words or actions is sinning and in trouble with God if he does not repent.

“That He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish” (Eph. 5:27).

This describes the goal for the husband. Just as the wife is to support and fully lift up her husband, the man must prepare and cleanse his wife. Her success will measure his success.

To do this, men must recognize areas where their wives can improve and help them. On rare and necessary occasions, men may bring correction—this must be handled with utmost care and concern. Conversations with the “weaker vessel” must be patient and loving. Timing is also key (Prov. 25:11). Giving feedback while a woman is dealing with tasks or is stressed is never effective.

Husbands must first learn to control their desires and be willing to take correction themselves before trying to help their wives with their challenges.

“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself” (Eph. 5:28).

The woman came out of the man, meaning she is an essential part of him (Gen. 2:21-23). God created women to fill an emotional, mental and physical void in the life of the men they marry.

The husband must, therefore, recognize his wife as a part of who he is. Once married, she is no longer a separate entity. She is an extension of him. As one person put it: A man without a woman is like a train without an engine, an airplane without wings, or a car without wheels.

How a man treats his wife shows how he views himself—so says God. The man who loves his wife loves himself. An abusive husband, who takes his frustrations out on his partner, ultimately has a problem with himself.

“For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church” (Eph. 5:29).

No rational person hates his own body. He naturally gives proper attention to his physical needs. Sadly, some men put more time and effort into caring for themselves than caring for their wives.

Men should prioritize the proper treatment of their spouses who are also on the path toward salvation. Wives face all the challenges Christians face—just as the man does. Husbands must step up to allow their wives time to pray, study, meditate and draw closer to God.

Another critical communication task for husbands is to take the lead in avoiding arguments. Verbal altercations are not productive and can have devastating and lasting effects on the marriage relationship. To help prevent verbal disputes, talk about offenses and ill feelings calmly and early on. Sitting on feelings almost ensures they will come pouring out in the heat of the moment. Also, be quick to apologize when wrong. Defending an incorrect position is petty and a sign of pride. It also can make the other person defensive and prideful (Prov. 13:10).

“For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones” (Eph. 5:30).

The entire government structure in the home comes under God’s government. The Father is first in charge, followed by Christ, then the husband, and then the wife (I Cor. 11:3). The love of God should therefore drive daily interactions between spouses.

When a man comes home in the afternoon, he should ask his wife about her day and show a genuine interest in what she and their children have accomplished. He should ask sincere questions and listen, not just following her words but also her body language. If the man has had a bad day at work, he should leave it behind and start fresh while he is with his family—remember, he is to be a living sacrifice.

In turn, the wife should actively seek to know her husband’s interests and support them. A man does well when he knows others, especially the love of his life, thinks about, believes in and supports him.

Wives should give their husbands full attention during conversation, especially when he is seeking counsel or discussing crucial matters. This is a tangible way to submit and show respect. But most important, attentiveness helps with gathering details needed as a helpmeet and trusted counselor. The wife must dig into matters and do all she can to help. Her husband needs companionship, counsel and a female perspective, which he cannot have alone.

Marriage

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh” (Eph. 5:31).

This single verse defines the family and the origin of marriage. A man grows up, leaves his parents, and joins his wife in marriage. The new couple then becomes one flesh—describing sexual union—which leads to children. The children grow to adulthood and the cycle continues.

The requirement that a man “leave his father and mother” is crucial to the success of the relationship. Couples must establish independence. While correspondence with extended family—parents, grandparents, siblings—is important and should remain intact, it should not cross the line into interference.

Countless marriages have been hijacked by overbearing relatives who inserted themselves. It could be taking sides in disputes or offering advice where none was requested. Couples must set boundaries for extended family members. Ideally, the husband controls his side of the family and the wife her side with the other partner in full agreement.

Related, the term “one flesh” also alludes to how close the interchanges between married couples should be. Conversations and ideas about their relationship should be so closely aligned that outsiders see the two individuals as “one.”

By losing sight of this bond’s importance, men and women who once could not find enough time to discuss all the things on their minds can grow distant or bitter, eventually finding themselves no longer interested in any conversation. They separate emotionally while in the home, and when they hit their breaking point of tolerating each other they separate physically through divorce.

“This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:32).

Unknown to most, the physical family—exemplified by the husband-wife relationship under God’s government—is linked to mankind’s awesome potential and purpose. The word “mystery” is the Greek word musterion, which means secret. Paul called this connection not just a mystery but a great mystery.

God currently consists of two Beings: the Father and Christ. But once those human beings who were begotten with His Spirit are “born again” His Family will grow (John 3:3).

God is the Father. The Church is called a mother (Gal. 4:26). The Bible labels Christians sons and daughters (II Cor. 6:16-18; Rom. 8:14; Gal. 4:6-7). These are not symbolic, metaphorical, esoteric references. God is reproducing Himself and created the physical family to show us how He will do it!

“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph. 5:33).

With the mystery of God’s Plan for humanity revealed, the instructions for husbands and wives are summarized and repeated. There should be no doubt about the vital importance of this most important human relationship.

The concept of marriage came from God. It is a physical union yet also a divine institution that He created to work a certain way.

With God’s help, spouses can succeed. It starts with striving for effective conversation and relying on the Creator, not themselves, for spiritual understanding and guidance. Husbands and wives are not perfect and will make mistakes. Both should learn from their errors and strive not to repeat them.

When it comes to communication in marriage, remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Matt. 7:12). Whether you are married now or are seeking to be, aim for this.