Are You Making the Most of Being Single? | The Pillar

Single Christians can have a tendency to be single-minded, meaning they often have one thing on the brain: marriage.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with desiring to find a spouse. The benefits and blessings of the marital relationship are many.

Yet there are significant pitfalls that crop up when finding a husband or wife becomes an all-consuming goal. For example, this thinking over-romanticizes marriage—making some believe, “If only I had a mate, all my problems would disappear.” (This is not the case—ask any person wearing a wedding ring.) An overemphasis on finding a spouse can also make singles feel inadequate or like some sort of second-class Church member.

Those who are already married can unwittingly feed into this thinking. They may ask eligible adults overly forward questions: “What do you think about so and so?” “Did you hear about the new single lady one state over?” “So, is there anyone you are interested in?” Wink wink. Nudge nudge. Shove shove—toward marriage.

Such queries are fine to ask someone you know well—if done tactfully—yet they often can make a person feel as though something is wrong with them because they are still alone.

Perhaps the greatest issue with marriage myopia is that it gets in the way of the blessings of being single. Yes, there are positives to being a single Christian!

In fact, fully embracing the role God has for you while you are unmarried is the very greatest way to prepare you for marriage itself.

First Step

The apostle Paul knew what it is like to be single (I Cor. 7:8). Yet he determined to make the most of his status. His instruction in Philippians 4:11 is important to all who are unmarried: “…for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.”

Singles, you must learn to be content in the state you are in!

The Greek word for “content” means “sufficient for one’s self, strong enough or possessing enough to need no aid or support.”

Put simply, you must learn to be okay with being alone.

But this does not mean you have to remain a permanent bachelor or become an “old maid.” Even though the end of the age is rapidly approaching, God wants us to continue to live our lives—which includes dating, courting and matrimony. Do not limit what He can do because you decided there is not enough time. (Some may decide to remain unmarried for personal reasons, but this should be the exception rather than the rule.)

Paul brings further perspective on the circumstances of singles later in I Corinthians. In chapter 12, he wrote: “But now has God set the members every one of them in the body, as it has pleased Him” (vs. 18).

You are single because that is where God has currently set you in the Church. Your condition pleases Him. A big reason for this is that being on your own affords you opportunities to serve in unique ways (more on that later).

For now, begin to come to grips with the fact that being single is not a handicap. Yet, as with marriage, being single comes with both blessings and growth opportunities.

The Path to Marriage

The divine institution of marriage should not be entered into lightly. Before deciding to live your life with another person, it is crucial to properly understand and appreciate each of the stages of dating. The descriptions here are just the barest outline. Refer to the book Dating and Courtship – God’s Way for more information.

1. Group Dating

A group date consists of a number of singles, ideally six to eight or so of both males and females, spending time together in an activity. It is a way to overcome nervousness and to learn to naturally respond to those of the opposite sex. For those not baptized, this should be the only form of dating. Teenagers should only do this with specific parental knowledge and permission. Though it is too often the case, one should never pair off in this stage. Be sure to spend time with everyone in the group as evenly as possible.

2. Dating

A one-on-one date is simply a set time agreed upon by two people of the opposite sex to engage in an activity such as dinner, hiking or a sport. Baptism is a prerequisite, as the dating process requires God’s guidance. It is important to date widely to experience as many different personality types as possible and to avoid spending too much time with one person. One guideline is to wait one to three months before asking the same person out.

3. Courtship

After dating widely and spending several dates with a particular person, you may both become more seriously interested in each other. As this occurs, be sure to counsel with the ministry. Note that there is no official point when you begin “courting.” It is a gradual process. While courting, however, you are exclusively dating one person. This does not mean you have decided to get married, neither is there any room for romance. Rather, it is a time to seriously explore what has already become a mutual interest.

4. Engagement

After serious consideration, counseling and guidance from God, you may decide that you want to marry the person you have been courting. This begins engagement, which is ideally a period of three to four months. Engagement is a time of preparing for the wedding and a final time to seriously court before “tying the knot.” Since an engaged couple is not yet married, they must be cautious with physical intimacy.

Twin Struggles

Let’s be frank. The two greatest struggles of singles are loneliness and unfulfilled sex needs. Each of these must be addressed before you can be content in your situation.

Feeling isolated and left out is common for singles—especially in an age when the Church is scattered and congregations are relatively small. While not everyone may battle crippling bouts of loneliness, most everyone can feel alone from time to time.

The antidote for feeling secluded is to take the focus off yourself and build stronger bonds in the Church. Because you are single, you have a more flexible schedule and can more readily jump in to help others. Helping others put in new flooring, lending a hand with car repairs, and babysitting are all ways to enrich friendships.

Dating is a double-edged sword. It can either increase the pangs of loneliness or help keep them at bay. It all depends on your focus.

If you organize a group date with singles in your area with the sole intention of finding a mate or getting to know one person in particular, get ready for more loneliness. Having a laser-focus on marriage means you will think more about it and how you are currently on your own.

“Being single comes with both blessings and growth opportunities.”

The flip side is planning a barbecue or trip to a museum with your goal being to deepen bonds with brothers and sisters in Christ. The results will be completely different: You will end up with cherished memories and feel that you belong.

One-on-one dating can be similar. If your focus is only “is he/she the one for me?”—be assured you will feel isolation flood back in when the night is over. Instead, view such occasions as opportunities for you and your date to enrich your personalities and better yourselves.

How can you address the other struggle of singles—unfulfilled sex needs? The answer is in I Corinthians 6:18. It is two words: “Flee fornication.”

If faced with sexual temptation, RUN! Get away!

Within this two-word command is a world of applications:

Be careful about what television programs and movies you watch. Turn them off if you need to!

Avoid compromising situations where you are alone with someone of the opposite sex. Be like Joseph if such a situation arises (Gen. 39:7-20).

If you struggle with computer pornography and the thought to search for it enters your mind—get up and walk away from the computer!

Ladies, be careful of what you wear. If you wear enticing clothing, know that you are inviting men’s attention. Without being careful, you can play on men’s sexual desires and wittingly or unwittingly put a stumbling block in front of them. (Likewise, men should be mindful of how they dress.)

Christians who are lonely and driven by lust can do drastic things. They can fall into using dating websites and smartphone apps. They can flirt with co-workers. They can reach out to old flames. Eventually, they will leave the Church.

Without a doubt, fleeing fornication is hard. But realize that suffering is the origin of growth. Just as there is pain when building muscle, the same is true spiritually. We can overcome if we diligently fight against the pulls of this world.

Work to be a master of your thoughts. Recognize when Satan injects temptations into your mind—and aim to bring “into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (II Cor. 10:5).

The Ultimate Goal

While the desire for marriage is fine, remember our ultimate purpose for existence. It is building godly, righteous character now so we may qualify to be part of the God Family for all of eternity. This should be the paramount focus in our lives.

Keep in mind that marriage is temporary. Of the couples you know, what is the longest relationship you can think of? Fifty years? Sixty? Seventy?

Now consider that there will no longer be marriages when we receive salvation (Matt. 22:30).

This means—for eternity—there will no longer be husbands and wives. Realizing that marital relationships are temporary, while our spiritual reward is forever, helps put things in perspective.

Marriage is a wonderful institution that pictures a God-plane relationship we will have in the next life. Yet having a spouse is not necessary for salvation. Righteousness is.

Use your time being single to develop your whole personality. Use your flexible schedule to serve others. Plan activities so you can better get to know your brothers and sisters in Christ.

Keep dating. Use the book Dating and Courtship – God’s Way as a handbook, and God will provide a husband or wife in His time. Learn to be content with where you are—and make the most of being single!