Appreciate Your Differences

The way men and women think is remarkably different. Women tend to focus on the little details. For men, the small things in life can seem less significant. A lady remembers the table setting, flowers and gift received on a special occasion such as a wedding anniversary. To a man, the date of his anniversary can be hard to remember!

“Why is my husband’s attention often on the things outside the home—his work, ambition, and friends? His focus is not always on the things I desire,” a wife could say. “My wife seems to wear her emotions on her sleeve,” a husband might say. Wives often describe their husbands as “good at bottling up their emotions” or “reluctant to show they care.” Many husbands describe their wives as too temperamental and unpredictable to fully understand. These are just some of the differences in the moods and attitudes men and women can have toward each other.

The conflict between the sexes is probably most pronounced in marriage. A prevailing thought is that husbands can never truly understand wives, and vice versa. This thinking can even affect marriages within God’s Church. Modern culture pushes men to feel incapable of fully becoming the husbands their wives need. Women are also unhappy in marriages as they struggle to cope with complexities of their roles inside and outside the home.

The differences between spouses can cause them to feel separated and distant from each other, as if they are from two different worlds. The popular book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus illustrates this all too well. Society portrays the differences between the sexes as adversarial. Movies, talk shows, sitcoms, books, and magazines often show bickering couples unable to agree on anything.

Yet Psalm 139:14 states that human beings were “fearfully and wonderfully made.” This means that men and women were meticulously made by God to be different. These distinctions serve a great purpose.

Rather than being at odds with one another, the Creator carefully and deliberately designed the two sexes to have complementary roles. Understanding and fulfilling your unique role in your current or future marriage is key to ensuring you have the happy matrimonial bond God intended.

God’s Purpose

God created men and women to be unmistakably different. Look at biology. Men have deeper voices, are generally taller and more muscular. They were designed to protect and provide both physically and emotionally.

Women are more naturally nurturers. They are built physically and emotionally to mother. An example of this is breastfeeding. While the act physically nourishes a child, breastfeeding also deepens the bond between mother and child—a relationship crucial for a boy’s or girl’s development.

God always intended men and women to be partners. For Adam to live a happy, fulfilled life, God made Eve and created the divine marriage institution.

Notice the special purpose God had for Eve and all women to come: “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him” (Gen. 2:18). Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible renders “meet” as “counterpart.” Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines counterpart as “a thing that fits another perfectly” and “something that completes.” Adam was not meant to go through life alone. He needed help!

God created the first man and woman and detailed their marital roles—the man as head of the family and the woman as his helper.

Yet Satan immediately set out to corrupt these God-ordained roles. He craftily approached Eve in the Garden of Eden to deceive her—specifically avoiding Adam as the designated leader of the relationship (Gen. 3:1-6). Adam, who was not deceived (I Tim. 2:14), sheepishly followed his wife’s lead and ate of the wrong tree in the Garden.

Through his actions, Adam became a forerunner of the modern man who negates his role as head of the house. Conversely, Eve became the precursor of headstrong wives who wrongly assume the leadership responsibilities of marriage instead of their husbands.

Despite the first couple’s failure, God intended the roles of husbands and wives to be simple to understand. Ephesians 5 explains the roles of husbands and wives. Notice the short phrase in verse 23, “For the husband is the head of the wife.” True Christians understand that government is everything. Following it leads to peace, abundance, and happiness. Government in the home would be no exception.

The man was created to be the natural leader of his home. With his role comes tremendous responsibility!

Read the entirety of Ephesians 5:23: “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the savior of the body.” The husband is likened to Christ over His Church.

Verse 25 expounds on this: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it.” Sobering for every husband to hear.

Jesus gave Himself—was brutally beaten and crucified!—for the Church. While husbands should not expect to be tortured and die for their wives, Christ’s selfless example should spur men to action. It reveals the level of energy and care husbands should put into their relationships.

A good mental exercise for husbands is to ask: Do I love my wife so much that I am willing to lose my life for her? In a godly relationship the answer should be yes.

Wives have an equally important and weighty responsibility: “Submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). While God and His will always come first, women should submit to their husbands as they do to God!

Make no mistake—females are still equal before God as human beings. Verse 22 does not make men more important or better than women. The biblical role for wives for instance does not mean they are stuck “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.” The duty of a wife is much greater and more fulfilling than this. In a marriage someone has to lead, while the other naturally follows! The man is the head and the woman follows. Actually “the head of every man is Christ” (I Cor. 11:3), so men must be prepared to follow as well.

The marital roles outlined in Ephesians 5 merely lay the foundation for the positions men and women are to play in their marriages. There are many practical ways husbands and wives fulfill these principles, all the while leveraging their differences.

For Husbands

While wives were designed to help their husbands, the wise man will also help his spouse to achieve her fullest potential—all while striving to become a better man himself.

Men are physically able to perform more strenuous tasks, such as chopping wood for the fireplace, opening a tight bottle lid, moving large pieces of furniture, or shoveling snow—yet leading his home and caring for a wife goes well beyond these physical responsibilities.

A husband must learn to fulfill his wife’s emotional needs including encouraging her to confide her hopes and dreams to him.

Allowing her time to fulfill her aspirations in and out of the home is crucial. One way of doing this is to give your wife freedom to use her talents, skills and abilities. For example, if she is learning to play an instrument, the man should do what it takes to ensure she can fit in practice time. It may mean taking on additional responsibilities around the home such as household chores, taking care of the occasional meal, or looking after the children to assist her. This becomes especially important if both the husband and wife have jobs outside the home, as many do in this more expensive age.

In addition, men should evaluate if they are personally growing in understanding, empathy, and depth of emotional connection by asking themselves: “How can I further better my wife, broaden her horizons, and increase her general happiness and well-being?”

Paralleling the role of protector, God built into men the strong desire to provide for a family. A verse in I Timothy 5 reminds men of what is at stake if they do not take proper care of their households: “But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (vs. 8). Infidel means unbeliever. Men who neglect their families, financially, emotionally, or with their time, are worse than unbelievers in God’s eyes.

Employment and working hard to provide for the family gives men a sense of purpose. Some overdo this, however, becoming workaholics and thinking that earning money is the only responsibility they have. Husbands should strive to balance time at work with time spent with their wives and families. A man’s physical presence gives his wife and children a sense of security.

A man should take time to study the Bible and pray with his wife regularly. He can help her understand passages with which she may struggle or those she may not understand. He can also learn things about the scriptures from his wife who was created to help him.

Good husbands do not take their wives for granted. They let their wives know that they appreciate them and strive to always demonstrate their affection. Often little things, such as giving her flowers or writing a short note, remind her she is special and loved. This gives her a greater sense of security and demonstrates you will always be there for her.

The more a man “cherishes” his wife as he would his own body (Eph. 5:29), the more her respect for him will grow.

Since women are more vulnerable and delicate, you should also strive to connect to her emotionally. Men often search for solutions to problems, while women want someone to listen to them while they sort out their thoughts. Understand your wife’s need to talk as a way to better relate to her. Sincerely listen and consider her feelings.

Realize the blessing of hearing her out. She is giving you all the details, helping you see different scenarios and what could possibly go wrong. This is valuable information to be a better husband and decisionmaker.

If your wife stays home with the children, listening is even more important. Consider. When you arrive home from work, you basically have two choices. You can bring your frustrations home, demand, “What is for dinner?” and cordon yourself off to watch television or read the news. Or you can be sensitive to the fact that she also may have had a long, exhausting day with the children and needs a listening ear. The second approach is far better and does not necessarily have to take very long.

Ask her about the children or what she may have accomplished that day. This conversation gives her “adult time” while also providing you with the opportunity to learn more about the challenges she faces. On top of this, you can learn possible areas where you can pitch in.

As a general point, work with your wife to solve problems and make decisions. Yes, you should have the final say, but you should never throw around your authority as head of the household with a “because I said so” attitude. Notice Proverbs 31:11: “The heart of her husband does safely trust in her.”

Listen to the concerns your wife has about your decisions. She is your greatest counselor. Entrust her with responsibilities and then believe that she will follow through. The more she learns and grows frees you up to guide your family more effectively.

Finally, there can be a tendency for husbands’ love for their wives to wane. Remember, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. God intends marriage relationships to grow deeper and become more vibrant as time goes on. As each mate comes to know the other person better, they should develop even more respect for each other.

For Wives

Keep in mind that a woman is the counterpart to a man—someone who completes him. To do this, she should focus on two basic areas. First is the area of support or service to her husband, and second is the development and growth of her own character.

By supporting a husband, a wife strengthens his ability to fulfill his role of protecting and providing for his family. This backing comes in numerous ways and is spiritual, mental, and physical in nature.

Women are to submit to their husband’s authority as unto God. Endeavor to follow his lead and support the decisions he makes. Realize that your spouse will not be perfect in fulfilling his leadership role. If you do not agree with a decision he wants to make, you have two choices: You can openly rebel and usurp his God-given authority or you can gently and carefully describe your concern and what you would do differently. The second option is the way to be a most effective help meet.

If the decision is about a smaller matter where the consequences are not great, the best course of action may be to simply submit. Sometimes men learn best from their own mistakes. If, however, his decision could cause larger problems, such as negative financial impacts or physical harm, then you should respectfully express your concerns. Ultimately, however, unless your husband asks you to break God’s Law, household decisions are his to make as God holds him accountable.

One of the crucial ways you can propel your husband to greater heights is by being dependable.

Read Proverbs 31:11 again: “The heart of her husband does safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.” Two other translations render the last part of the verse as “she will greatly enrich his life” and “he will not lack anything good.”

Take care of details your husband may miss. If you have ever seen a bachelor’s living arrangements, they tend to be sparse and empty, and meals are usually rather simplistic. You are well equipped to help him better appreciate quality and beauty—and fine cuisine!

Yet your sphere of influence in his life should not stop with details and housework.

Read Proverbs 31 to expand your thinking on the crucial part wives and mothers play in families. Its verses shatter the typical perception of the helpless housewife…

Verse 17: “She girds her loins with strength, and strengthens her arms.”

Verse 24: “She makes fine linen, and sells it; and delivers girdles unto the merchant.” This means she makes quality products that she is able to sell.

Verse 16: “She considers a field, and buys it: with the fruit of her hands [from her earnings] she plants a vineyard.” This passage shows a wife can have vision to conceive and accomplish larger projects.

Verse 20: “She stretches out her hand to the poor; yes, she reaches forth her hands to the needy.”

Verse 26: “She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”

Verse 27: “She looks well to the ways of her household, and eats not the bread of idleness.”

The woman described in this chapter is a hard-working lady. She is productive, intelligent, business-minded and deftly handles family needs and personal interests, in addition to reaching out to those in need.

Notice that the household is the central theme for the Proverbs 31 woman. The chapter references “household” four times. Everything she does starts from the home base. Be sure not to miss this point! To ensure a household runs smoothly requires hard work, care, vision and both physical as well as mental strength. Any wife who applies herself and seeks God’s help can reach this goal!

By developing your own talents, personality and abilities, you become a richer person and grow to be a wiser counselor to your husband. Sometimes your efforts may seem to go unnoticed, but if you are consistent, your actions will evoke the praise of your husband and gratitude of your children (vs. 28).

For those living with an unconverted mate, employing these principles is especially important. Your conduct has the potential to ultimately lead your husband to conversion. Notice: “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified” (I Cor. 7:14). This means he is set apart due to the faithfulness of the converted member. Verse 16 states: “For what know you, O wife, whether you shall save your husband?” Do not underestimate the power of your example! (Of course this principle also applies to husbands in the Church living with unconverted wives.)

Determine to put these biblical instructions into action. Be creative and find additional ways to serve and support your mate. Develop yourself into the kind of woman God desires for you to become.

Reach Further

The idea that two different people can, over the span of a lifetime, learn to love, support, edify and encourage one another is a wonderful thing. Marriage gives each spouse the opportunity to become a more effective human being. It demonstrates God’s government and the way of love and outgoing concern. In short, marriage reflects the give way of life. It glorifies God and brings honor and praise to Him.

A proper marriage is also a form of doing God’s Work and spreading the gospel. When people see that you are happily married, they see that living God’s way of life yields tremendous benefits. It allows you to be a light in the community and at services, and provides opportunities for you to serve others in ways that you may not have been able to do when you were single.

Today, a unified Church proclaims the good news of God’s soon-coming Kingdom to the world. This message must be backed up by the lives of those claiming to believe it.

God places a high standard on marriage by comparing it to Christ’s relationship with the Church. Your marriage should reflect the same outgoing concern Christ has toward you as a member of His Body. When your marriage is fulfilling—filled to the full—the effects will spill over to others.

Regularly review the Church’s booklet You Can Build a Happy Marriage. If you are married review it with your spouse. It is filled with more practical ways to improve your current marriage or prepare for marriage in the future. It can help you develop into the kind of husband or wife God knows you can become.

With care, diligence and creativity, you can fulfill your God-given role in marriage!