Ensure Dating Success!

All you must do to see that the world’s systems of dating do not work is look at the results.

The average person experiences seven to eight dating relationships, suffers four disastrous dates, goes on two or three blind and online dates, is stood up once, has “fallen in love” twice, and is heartbroken twice, all before saying “I do” in a wedding ceremony. These statistics come from a study of 2,000 British people as reported by The Telegraph.

For those in God’s Church who have experienced the world’s way of dating, you can probably relate. Most of us have grown up never hearing anyone talk about how to successfully date or court. Rather, society makes it seem normal to progress through numerous love interests before stumbling upon “the one.” Hollywood portrays love as a magical spark of fate, with only the lucky truly finding happiness with their mate.

It is even possible to retain some of these ideas as you set out to date in the Church. This still brings with it the danger of all the same results—failure and heartbreak!

The way to avoid this is studying the Church’s book on the subject: Dating and Courtship – God’s Way by Mr. David Pack. Its 141 pages are filled with principles, scriptures, specific ideas, and guidelines outlining the right way to date and court. When you begin to unlearn the bad mindsets and habits from modern society, and learn the right way, you will find they work!

It is those who follow the book’s principles and diligently seek God’s will who find success and enter marriage. While this often takes patience, God blesses those who strive to date and court His Way.

Proper Foundation

God’s people are surrounded by those dating in all the wrong ways. We hear of incorrect methods from co-workers, friends and family members. Smartphone apps promise real and lasting connections. Other apps and websites cater to those looking for one-night stands—or to simply “hook up.” Almost anything goes in today’s dating scene, with practically everyone doing “that which [is] right in his own eyes” (Jdgs. 21:25).

There is one right way to date, which eventually leads to the long-lost practice of courtship. These timeless principles, if properly applied, provide the only path to a truly happy and successful marriage as defined by God.

The Bible has much to say about proper dating and courtship. This article will include a number of quotes from Mr. Pack’s book.

A short quote sets the stage: “Dating, followed by courtship, is supposed to lead to a happy marriage. But marriage cannot be happy if it is not built on the right foundation. Most couples have no idea that the foundation of a successful marriage begins long before the wedding day. In addition, a direct by-product of the wrong foundation is that most people have no idea how to select the right mate.”

Later in the book: “The world does not understand that proper dating and courtship form the rock-solid foundation that every marriage must stand on. Instead, most unconsciously build marriages on little more than emotional and psychological sand! When troubles come into marriages—as they invariably do—failure results because they are improperly anchored. So many couples are unnecessarily swept away by ‘floods’ for which they were never prepared.

“How many years are required to build a towering skyscraper? Including clearing the worksite, digging and pouring the foundation alone can often take many months, or even a year. Likewise, it takes much time and effort to build a successful, solid relationship. And this also does involve first clearing the ‘worksite’—unlearning all of the wrong knowledge upon which your understanding of selecting a mate is founded.”

“In the first stages of a relationship, when one is having a good time, all can seem wonderful. On the surface, a relationship founded on lust and infatuation is often hard to distinguish from one based on true biblical principles. Infatuation often comes disguised as true love, and few can—or will—see the difference. Nevertheless, the relationship built on infatuation is almost certain to collapse (and often so will some of the many lives directly connected to it), and usually very quickly, while the one built on true love will not.”

“Happy marriages do not come about by chance! Success requires much work and patience…”

Singles—young and old alike—must all do their part in applying God’s principles of dating. Even those in the Church who are already married benefit by cementing in their minds these principles. This way they can continue the spark in their own relationships, properly teach their children, and help steer singles in the right direction.

Foundational Principles

A key principle to understand about proper dating and courtship is that dating should be fun. It is not simply about finding a mate. Some men (and ladies, too) are too focused on the end goal of marriage and not enough on the overall process. Dating should be seen as a time to enjoy learning about different types of personalities. It is also an opportunity to develop your own personality.

Right dating is about providing an enjoyable time for someone of the opposite sex and taking part in activities together to broaden your horizons. It is much more than simply sizing someone up as a potential mate and asking her out. The man or woman who thinks this way is thinking too narrowly. Think bigger!

Notice this from the dating book: “Dating truly has become a lost art, but you can learn to do it! You cannot imagine the benefits—to you and others—that will come with the proper form of dating. It is meant to be an opportunity not only for fun, recreation and exercise, but also to learn about people, to develop social graces and etiquette, and to develop yours and others’ personalities, among other purposes.”

Strive to apply the above points and dating will be much more enjoyable—and less stressful!

Recognize that simply going on one date with someone does not mean you will be walking down the aisle with him or her the following month.

This is most likely the exact opposite of what you have been taught or seen before being called. In the world, the only way that men ask for a date with a lady is if they are physically interested in them. If the two appear to be compatible or have chemistry, the man will then continue to ask the same woman out over and over again in a short period of time. If the two continue to enjoy spending time with each other, it can lead to them becoming a couple or even getting married.

God’s Way is different. Asking someone on a date should not necessarily involve romantic interest. While you may be attracted to someone, the sole focus of a first date should not be to try to gauge if he or she is marriage material or if you could see yourself ending up with the person. It should instead be viewed as a relaxing way for two people of the opposite sex to become acquainted with one another. Becoming more serious comes later.

So often, after being asked out on a date, many jump to conclusions about someone else’s level of interest. Ladies, this especially applies to you. Understand that just because a man asks you out on a date, or even a second date, does not mean he is about to “pop the question.” If you are truly not interested in going out with him a second time you can simply decline. Otherwise, be open-minded and do not unnecessarily close any doors in your mind.

Both parties in any dating situation should be careful to not force the process, but instead allow God to guide you to the right person. Regularly pray that God allows you to see His will in any dating situation and try not to get in the way of what He wants for you. As Mr. Pack explains, “Pray about dates before you go out—and not just the ‘big’ dates! Solomon wrote, ‘In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths’ (Prov. 3:6). After each date, pray about it again, asking God for His assessment and guidance in any possible next step.” Only with this approach can you be certain God—the ultimate matchmaker (Matt. 19:6)—is guiding the process.

Friends and family in the Church should also be mindful to not tease a man or lady regarding who they date. This can give singles the feeling that the relationship is rapidly advancing when it is simply a date and can potentially make them shy away from the process altogether.

One could also wonder when one-on-one dating should begin, and what are the ins and outs of group dating. Mr. Pack addresses this: “During the teenage years, dating should only be within groups and with specific parental knowledge and permission. As one grows older, and closer to the age suitable for marriage, one-on-one dates may begin. The process begins with group dating and leads to one-on-one when the time is right, which, in turn, leads to the more intensive step of courtship if the couple becomes seriously interested. This, of course, then progresses to engagement and marriage, if continued.”

Another prerequisite to one-on-one dating is that both parties must be baptized. The reason for this is clear. You would naturally want to ensure that a person had put God first in his or her life, meaning He is guiding this step in their spiritual development.

Mr. Pack continues: “Through group dating, you will overcome nervousness and learn to relax and naturally respond to those of the opposite sex. This will prove beneficial when moving on to courting. You will be able to evaluate situations more realistically.

“Above all, try to date widely. Fifty years ago, this was referred to as ‘playing the field.’ This meant dating as many different people as possible. This gives one exposure to a broad range of personalities, with the important side benefit of learning which kinds of personalities are compatible with yours and which are not.

“This is most critical to recognize. You need to know which kinds of people make you comfortable, and which do not. You will probably find that one personality type makes you most comfortable. But this may not always be the case. (Remember, at the same time you are learning about yourself, you are also helping your ‘date’ to do the same.)”

The instruction to date widely cannot be overemphasized. So many become caught up in one person and do not expand their horizons. They fail to consider there might be others out there with whom they are more compatible. This is selfish! Becoming focused on one person too early in the process can limit you from finding the mate God wants for you—and for the other person. Keep an open mind and “play the field” in a right way.

For those in their 20s, dating widely is especially crucial. Only after you more fully develop your personality can you know the types of people with which you are truly compatible. Ultimately, the answer may surprise you!

Dating Pitfalls

Even when striving to follow God’s principles of dating and courtship, there are a few common mistakes that are easy to make. One of these is regularly “hanging out” with someone of the opposite sex and the other is giving in to infatuation and lust. These are dating trends and mindsets often carried over from the world into the Church. We must be on guard to not accidentally copy wrong dating methods.

First, we should examine “hanging out.” In the world, a male and female will often meet each other in a group setting, and after finding common interests or being attracted to one another, they start spending time together one-on-one. Initially, it can be a seemingly normal friendship but it often leads to a very close relationship. When the male or female is asked about the relationship, the response is, “We’re just friends” or “We just hang out sometimes.”

There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone of the opposite sex, but understand that this can easily lead to a wrong form of semi-courting.

The hanging out mindset can creep into how men ask ladies out. They may say something such as, “I’m planning on going out to eat tonight. You can come, too, if you want.” Realize how this can make a lady feel. She should not be some sort of add-on to your plans!

Instead of just “hanging out,” the man should formally ask the lady on a date. You should say something such as, “May I take you out to dinner this Sunday?” Or even, “I would like to take you out on a date.” Be sure to explain the nature and time of the proposed date. This will set the lady at ease and help her to plan appropriately.

While this approach may seem too formal, understand that the kind of casual dating done in the world is all wrong. Its effects can be seen in society—from broken hearts and misunderstood intentions to unwanted pregnancies. Dating God’s Way ensures that these kinds of things do not happen.

The next snare to avoid is becoming caught up in feelings of lust and infatuation. It is natural for attraction to exist between a man and a woman, but our human nature can overly focus on this aspect. A passing interest in someone can quickly turn into outright lust.

Self-control must be exercised, especially in today’s society where sex is all around us. Realize that infatuation is an absolutely wrong foundation on which to form a lasting relationship. Mr. Pack’s book has much to say about this aspect of relationships. In fact, he devotes an entire chapter to it. A few excerpts are below, starting with a lengthier description of infatuation

He writes: “Infatuation can involve very powerful attraction. Never underestimate it. While it stirs up the emotions and feelings that make couples think they are in love, infatuation is nothing more than a starry-eyed experience—a romantic daydream. But, at this point in a relationship, it is nearly impossible to convince anyone of this. Reason and logic seem to magically disappear as people feel they are going through a wonderful, even divine, experience that will last forever.”

“How then can you know if you are becoming infatuated?

“The biggest symptom of infatuation is an almost complete reliance on emotions—to the exclusion of almost everything else about a person—allowing these emotions to first lead, and then dictate, your actions. In the earliest stages of a relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

“What is your major attraction to the person? If infatuated, your main interest will almost certainly be physical appearance. On the other hand, if you truly love the person, you will—among many other things—be interested in his or her total personality, and this will come to include the person’s character.”

If you are infatuated with someone, you may try to rationalize that you are compatible because you have great conversations and enjoy being around the person. This alone does not mean you are right for each other. You need to weigh all the factors.

Another characteristic of infatuation is that it is selfish. If you feel like you must spend every waking hour with another person or you will “die” if you cannot see him or her—you are infatuated. Unhealthy, unbalanced emotional dependence is infatuation!

Jealousy is an additional symptom. If you find yourself becoming jealous when that “certain” someone talks with another person, you need to reexamine your motivations. You should sincerely desire that all singles have the opportunity to become acquainted with others their age. This helps ensure that every man and woman ends up with the best possible mate. Whoever you may be interested in should also want the same for you.

The book records this about lust: “One of the most powerful forces behind dating today is little more than the basic sex drive. While God did instill the sexual desire in human beings for a pure and holy purpose, the world, held captive by Satan’s influence, has turned this into lust. Sizing people up for sex has now become a common practice. For decades, ‘girl watching’ and ‘boy watching’ have been national pastimes. Millions routinely lust after men and women to whom they are not married.

“Today, God’s most basic commands are routinely broken. Notice: ‘You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: but I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart’ (Matt. 5:27-28). Throughout society, people are confronted—even bombarded—with the temptation to lust.

“Almighty God created sex. In the right setting, it is one of the most wonderful physical experiences that a man and a woman can share. Yet, Satan has twisted this God-designed pleasure, reducing it to a sinful act, practiced almost universally between virtual strangers. He has used sex to preoccupy young minds so that, in time, it destroys character and ruins any potential for a happy, wholesome, lifelong relationship between a husband and wife.”

Christians must be different. We must come out of this world and its ways, and strive to do everything according to the Bible and God’s Law. This includes seeking His will.

Consider. Would you want to marry someone who was not serious about their commitment to God’s Church and was instead basing a relationship on appearance?

The choice of whom you marry is the most important decision of your life besides baptism. Why would you not want to do everything in your power to ensure that God will be with you throughout dating and courting, and bless your efforts, which will ensure that you later have a lasting, happy, fulfilled marital relationship?

The answer is obvious.

If you avoid these two major pitfalls, you will be in a much better position to date and court according to God’s will.

The Man’s Responsibility

Men, remember that you must take the lead in asking a woman on a date or even to dance at a Church event. Some men have a tendency to wait endlessly for the perfect circumstances before asking out a lady. Others might not ask a woman on a date at all if he is uninterested in her, thinking only of himself. Such actions are selfish and leave a woman with no other option but to patiently wait for someone to come along.

Even if you are uninterested in a particular person, would it not be best to at least give her the opportunity to go on a date? This is not considered leading her on, but rather dating widely. And, if you keep an open mind, you might be surprised to find that she is more interesting than you initially thought.

Remember, dating widely is not about physical attraction. It is designed to help both of you develop your personalities and learn to at times push past your comfort zones to get to know someone—sometimes more for their benefit than yours.

Though you will certainly not be compatible with all your dates, you can learn to appreciate the personalities of the different women you spend time with. In the long run, doing so will help both you and your date to learn to better interact with the opposite sex. It will also help you become a better gentleman to the person you marry.

Yet there are right and wrong ways to ask for a date. Mr. Pack writes: “There is a correct way to ask for a date—and a variety of ways not to do this.

“For instance, if you are organizing a group date—and pre-planning is important—the opinion of others involved could be helpful…Be sure to plan something before you go out. Dating is a constructive, mentally stimulating and fun activity when done properly…”

The man should not ask out a woman at the last minute, or be vague about his plans. Again, remember the point earlier about not falling into the approach of just “getting together” and “hanging out.”

While on a date, make it special for the lady. Think through all the details. Consider going above and beyond and doing small things like cleaning the inside and outside of the car before taking her out to dinner. Think ahead about interesting topics to discuss or questions you have for her. Do not put the burden on her to carry the conversation.

Also, be considerate to not be too bold with her or come on too strong. Men should not aggressively pursue dates or phone calls with a lady. Allow the relationship to develop naturally and be patient. Any other approach will be off-putting. Be balanced and exercise common sense.

One way to do this is to avoid asking for another date too quickly—especially at the end of the date you are on. Waiting some time will allow you to reflect on the experience and give the other person the opportunity to do the same. Yet if you have already dated widely, known the person for a while, and you both agree the relationship is moving forward, this would not be out of the question.

The Woman’s Role

A woman in God’s Church striving to date and court must also exercise patience. Since ladies must wait for a man to initiate a date, this waiting period can be difficult. Always remember to keep things in perspective and to trust God to provide you with opportunities to practice right dating.

Mr. Pack wrote this about what a woman must focus on: “Another important aspect of femininity, almost completely lost to girls and young women today, is modesty. Are you modest? Are you aware of your posture and stance—the look in your eyes and the tone of your voice? Do you wear provocative clothing that does not cover as much as it should, while also knowing that it is intended to be suggestive and sexually arousing? Or do you dress elegantly and modestly, with dignity? A woman should be naturally concerned about her appearance, yet never in a way that is vain (Prov. 31:30).”

Make sure you do not unwittingly lead a man on, in other words, give him the impression that you are more interested in him than you are. Think carefully about your words and gestures around him. Women can often be too friendly with a man and inadvertently give him the idea that you are ready to move forward faster than you really are. Some things to keep in mind: how much you are giggling or touching your hair. Also, be careful of leaning in toward him too much.

Mr. Pack continues: “Women: Keep your trust firmly in God. Because the man takes the lead in asking for dates, the woman must recognize that it takes real, enduring faith to believe a godly man will be sent to her. The wise woman knows that ‘taking matters into her own hands’ would ultimately backfire. She patiently waits for God to intervene on her behalf.

“Are you kind, patient, cultured? Do you have an attractive personality that you are constantly striving to build—to polish? Are you continually happy and joyful, and, if not, are you striving to be?”

Ladies, if you put these points into practice, you will be putting yourself in a strong position for God to bless you with a mate.

Practical Points

To those who have dated someone a number of times and are finding a lot of compatibility, you may be in the early stages of courtship. If this is the case, it is time to counsel with your minister.

Whenever you are in doubt about what to do, or if the relationship seems to be progressing quickly, remember that your minister is there to help with advice. He will be able to guide you regarding what next steps to take. Sometimes it is appropriate to continue moving forward at a natural pace with a person with whom you are spending time. Other times it may be best to slow down to make sure both parties are truly compatible and in the relationship for the right reasons.

Age differences may also be a factor. Again, if you are unsure of what to do, counsel about the situation. This shows that you are seeking God’s will in the relationship and He will bless you for it.

Older brethren, the principles in this article also apply to your situation. There is no such thing as being “too old to date” in God’s Church. You have a lot of experience that you can share with another person. Throughout the history of The Restored Church of God, there have been many older adults who have successfully dated and courted, which led to them being able to share their lives with someone who truly cared about them.

As you get older, there is a tendency to think that you have been single for so long that you are used to it and more comfortable remaining so. You could also be wary of getting close to someone because of experiences in a previous marriage. God does desire for older people to get married. Recapturing the true purpose for dating and seeing the bigger picture of how it could help you to grow will reap many benefits. Do not be afraid of starting this process in the later years of your life.

Others may be wondering, what if I meet alone and there is no one to date? Or what if there is no one in my congregation I can date? In some cases, brethren are completely by themselves and do not see any way to date in the near future.

Be patient if you meet in a small group. Trust God to provide you with someone in His time. That said, you must do your part. The Feast of Tabernacles is a perfect time to get together with other singles in group settings or through one-on-one dates. But do not stop there—make every effort to attend regional socials throughout the year. Keep your eye on the Announcement Bulletin!

As further explained by Mr. Pack, “In the simplest form, a date is merely a set time agreed upon by two people to engage in an activity.” While ideally this is an in-person activity, resourcefulness must be employed in a Church era where potential dates often live in far-flung areas. Video calls, phone calls—even extensive texting—can fulfill the definition of a date. Previously, Feast sites and socials were the natural way to exchange contact details making such communication possible. Now, the Church has Team Hub. Those who believe “there is no one out there for me” but are not on Team Hub are without excuse! (Ask your minister for details.) For both men and women, Godly dating requires real faith that God will answer your prayers in His way and on His timetable. But as the apostle James explained, “faith without works is dead” (Jms. 2:26). Make every reasonable effort to position yourself for success!

Request Mr. Pack’s book Dating and Courtship – God’s Way or read it again if you already have a copy. It covers much more than what can be addressed in an article. For instance, it answers questions such as, “What are the appropriate age differences between men and women?”—“How can I practice true masculinity/femininity?”—“What warning signs show I may be in a relationship for the wrong reasons?”—“How can I know if I am in the courtship stage?”—“What are some good date ideas?”—“When are we ready for marriage and what is there to know about the engagement process?”

After reading the book, use it as a reference guide while you date. Refer back to its pages regularly to ensure you are applying its principles. Then be prepared to reap the benefits of dating and courtship God’s Way!