Deadly Venom: Holding a Grudge

See three people on the street? At least one of them has an irrational fear of snakes, known as ophidiophobia. It is said to be based on mankind simply being “wired” to fear the slithering creatures. Even pictures of serpents can leave those with this phobia with a higher heart rate.

Yet at least one attribute makes ophidiophobia wholly rational—venom!

 

While most white-lipped pit vipers are green, the blue variant is rare and found primarily on islands like Komodo in Indonesia. This species is highly venomous, with a hemorrhagic venom that causes pain, swelling, necrosis and internal bleeding. It tends to be aggressive and is known to bite rather than flee when threatened.

australiangeographic.com.au

Venomous snakes are some of nature’s most effective killers. The deadly fluid produced by their glands, similar to those that produce human saliva, can debilitate or kill prey many times larger than the venom’s host.

It takes less than half a second for a snake to strike its prey. This is faster than the human eye can perceive the danger and react to it.

After a bite, a snake’s razor-sharp fangs leave only two barely visible pricks in the skin. Powerful muscles in a serpent’s head pump toxins through hollow fangs directly into a victim’s bloodstream. Almost immediately, a person may experience swelling and redness, pain, numbness, sweating and salivating, blurred vision, difficulty breathing, vomiting and nausea.

Over time, symptoms of a snake bite become life-threatening. Neurotoxins, for example, affect the nervous system, preventing the brain from communicating with certain parts of the body. Myotoxins cause paralysis, which prevent the victim from being able to escape. Finally hemotoxins, often the slowest to take effect, lead to hemorrhages or circulatory collapse and destroy the blood.

The victim is now easy prey for the snake.

Like the toxic effects of a snake’s venom, grudges are life-threatening for those who hold them.

James 5 says, “Grudge not one against another, brethren, lest you be condemned” (vs. 9). The spiritual consequences of holding grudges are far more serious than the risk to our physical life if we encounter a snake. God says those who hold grudges could be “condemned.”

A grudge may stem from an offense that seems minor or petty to most. It can also strike suddenly and without warning. At first you may be merely annoyed, as with the initial mild symptoms of a snake’s bite. Yet if your feelings are not handled properly, there is a chance for this annoyance to grow worse.

The apostle Paul added in Hebrews 12, “Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many” (vs. 15, New Living Translation).

Holding a grudge usually involves growing bitter at another person. The Bible says this bitterness can take over our character to trouble and corrupt us, with eternal consequences.

Left untreated, grudges ultimately destroy those who hold them.

What Is a Grudge?

People often deny holding grudges. As with being offended, they do not want to admit they feel that way. But just as anyone can be bitten by a snake, any person is a candidate for developing a grudge.

Understanding what a grudge is will help you see this.

When people become offended, they may defend themselves by thinking, “Don’t I have a right to be angry sometimes?” Or, “Do I have to pretend to be okay when I feel slighted by another person?”

To be clear, all people become annoyed every now and then by others’ actions. Sometimes they can become angry.

While it is a different category from annoyance, righteous anger is an emotion given by our Creator to express feelings of unhappiness. Even a perfect God gets angry (Psa. 7:11).

An occasional expression of negative emotions when appropriate can help others understand our expectations and boundaries. But God gives us limits on how we are to express it. Our anger should not cross over into sin (Eph. 4:26). Holding a grudge does enter this forbidden territory.

Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines a grudge as “a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will.” Britannica further describes it as “a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time.” Notice the extent of this negative emotion and how long it lasts.

The word grudge comes from the Middle English words grucchen and grudgen, which mean “to grumble, complain.” Christians are instructed, “Do all things without murmurings [grumbling] and disputings” (Phil. 2:14).

Holding a grudge is clearly different from being occasionally irritated or bothered by someone’s behavior. Grudges can last for a long time—even years.

Romans 12 adds, “Recompense to no man evil for evil…If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is Mine; I will repay, says the Lord” (vs. 17-19). This passage allows no room for grudges. Even if someone does legitimately wrong us, we are to trust God to guide the situation.

If not avoided or dealt with properly, grudges can kill friendships and tear apart the bonds of family and acquaintances.

Deadly Venom

In the world, it is common—almost normal—for people to hold deep-seated resentment toward their fellow man. This unwillingness to move on from offenses leads to shouting matches, physical fights and even murder.

While not as extreme, the malicious attitudes that lead to such outlandish behavior can affect us. The people of brotherly love should, of all people, be wary of falling into this avoidable snare.

Even God’s people can get offended and harbor resentment over the simplest of matters. An impolite look or disapproving tone of voice can be all that is needed for a grudge to begin. Also, seeing another person as too bossy, too talkative, too quiet, too happy, too serious, too much like someone from their past—perceived or otherwise—can be all it takes for members to disassociate from one another.

While this behavior may not lead to outright violence, it does often lead to “strifes of words, whereof comes envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings” (I Tim. 6:4).

If not addressed, this wound on a relationship can become red and start to swell. Soon, the venom begins to take over. Similar to how neurotoxins block brain function, your thinking can become unreasonable when you have a grudge. This can cause almost anything a person does to drive you up the wall.

In the same way toxins in snake venom restrict the muscles or actions of a victim, your relationship with a person who offended you can become restricted. His or her actions may cause you to choose to give them the silent treatment or avoid the person altogether. Before you know it, you have fallen victim to holding a grudge.

Once the venom of a grudge fully takes effect, Satan—“that old serpent” (Rev. 20:2)—can overtake you. What were initially minor ill feelings can morph into something much more dangerous and spiritually fatal. Notice the following verses from the apostle John on the subject:

• “He that says he is in the light, and hates his brother, is in darkness even until now…he that hates his brother is in darkness, and walks in darkness, and knows not where he goes, because that darkness has blinded his eyes” (I John 2:9, 11).
• “Whosoever hates his brother is a murderer: and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him” (3:15).
• “If a man say, I love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar: for he that loves not his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?” (4:20).

Do not be quick to assume ill feelings you may have toward others have not crossed over into what John defined as “hate.” There is too much at stake to be unsure.

Holding a grudge can have deadly effects on our relationships, our character and, if untreated, our eternal lives. Hatred, jealousy and an unforgiving attitude are the consequences of the lethal venom of holding onto offenses.

John also tells us, “He who loves God love[s] his brother also” (vs. 21). How can we ensure we do both?

Original “Golden Rule”

Almost everyone has heard of the Golden Rule—“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” But few realize this New Testament command (Matt. 7:12) is not new. It is based on instructions given to Old Testament Israel—God’s “church in the wilderness” (Acts 7:38).

Even fewer understand that this foundational command includes a very clear instruction.

The passage is found in Leviticus 19:18: “You shall not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.”

Along with loving our neighbor, God’s Word says we should not seek revenge or hold grudges against each other. Since we now understand what a grudge is and what it can lead to, it is no wonder God instructs us to avoid this feeling. He tied it directly to the Golden Rule, which is how we show love and outgoing concern toward other people.

Yet God does not instruct us to do something that He is not willing to do Himself.

Think. If anyone would have reason to have “a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time,” it would be God reacting to man’s rebellious behavior. He created man and gave him guidelines that lead to ultimate happiness. But mankind has chosen to ignore His instructions. Imagine if you gave someone advice for his own good and he chose to ignore it. This would not make you happy!

Even though man does not naturally follow God (Rom. 8:7), our Father does not hold grudges. He does not harbor feelings of resentment or ill will toward us. An all-knowing God sees everything we do. He can read our thoughts, including the resentful feelings we may have toward others. Despite this, He is willing to forgive and forget our offenses.

King David described God’s willingness to forgive: “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. He will not always chide: neither will He keep His anger forever. He has not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Psa. 103:8-12).

Hebrews 8:12 adds: “I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.”

This is a powerful example for us to follow when we are offended by others. After extending forgiveness, we should block the thoughts of another person’s faults from entering our minds.

Importance of Forgiveness

There is another reason we should be willing to forgive others when offended. And God, in His genius, made it somewhat selfish.

Jesus Christ plainly said that if we are not willing to forgive others, God cannot forgive us (Matt. 6:15). This is why Christians are to ask God to forgive their faults as they forgive others (vs. 12). In other words, our request should be: “God, forgive us in the same manner that we forgive others.”

Every time you make a mistake, you desire God’s mercy, understanding and patience. He knows this and ties His response to our willingness to forgive others.

We have been given the power to affect how God deals with us when we fail. Each of us has the ability to ensure God is most merciful when we offend Him.

We must be compassionate toward others, even if their actions hurt us. On the contrary, holding a grudge sets us up for rejection when seeking forgiveness from God.

It is in this way that we each have been given power over how much mercy God will show us.

Forgiveness is a fundamental part of God’s ultimate plan for mankind. It is a key component required to help reconcile the relationship between God and man, which has been broken by sin (Isa. 59:2).

God established the importance of forgiveness by sacrificing His Son Jesus Christ. Though we disobeyed the Father, He did not harbor any ill will. Rather, He took the first step toward resolving our differences and gave us the opportunity to have a relationship with Him through Christ. Read I John 4:10.

Jesus, who is in full agreement with the Father, demonstrated the power to forgive. Even while hanging on the stake in excruciating pain, He did not ask His Father to destroy those who crucified Him. Instead, He asked God to forgive them (Luke 23:34). Because of God’s forgiveness, they and all of us have an opportunity for eternal life.

It is the power of forgiveness—not the power of a grudge—that leads to true happiness. Forgiveness is the antidote to the dangerous venom of grudges.

How to Forgive Others

Reading about grudges and practicing forgiveness is one thing. Controlling our own emotions is another matter altogether. This is especially true when people press our buttons or do something we feel is extremely selfish or inconsiderate.

We can all set out to be more understanding of others and give them room to make mistakes, but in reality there are times when things happen very quickly—like the strike of a snake. We may not immediately remember the right way to handle the initial “sting” and can find ourselves harboring resentment.

One way to prevent this is to always have an attitude of forgiveness. This is easier than trying to remember to forgive after each and every offense.

Having a forgiveness mindset helps prepare us for any offenses that come our way. This is like having a vial of anti-venom handy at all times instead of scrambling to find one after you are bitten.

Proverbs 19 says, “The discretion of a man defers his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression” (vs. 11). Strive to pass over transgressions instead of getting angry or bitter, even in your mind.

Another way to prevent grudges is to remember that each of us makes mistakes and can offend others. Proverbs 24:16 says, “A just man falls seven times, and rises up again.” If we were to make a list of our own errors, it would definitely be long.

Every time a person offends you, remember this. Also realize the person may not view his actions or words the same way you do. This will help put you in the right mindset and help quell anger.

An additional tip is to not be afraid to talk about the problem with the person who hurt you. God gave us a formula—actually a command—to handle such situations.

Matthew 18:15 states, quoting Christ’s own words: “If your brother shall trespass against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.” Here we are instructed to go to the offender and have a one-on-one conversation about the issue. This provides the opportunity to explain why you are unhappy and gives the other person a chance to explain his or her side of the story.

If it does not resolve the situation, verse 16 explains that you may take an impartial witness to help get your point across. Finally, in the rare case either of these is not enough, you can involve a minister, which Matthew calls “the church” (vs. 17).

Even with the guidelines above, it is not easy to forgive and forget. To do so at the level God expects takes real character. Look at your life. If you are holding a grudge against someone, address it. Seek God and apply the principles from this article.

Peter wrote, “Above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins” (I Pet. 4:8). Through the love of God, you can show the level of outgoing concern needed to cover up someone else’s wrongs and drive out bitterness and resentment.

Romans 5:5 says, “The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit which is given unto us.” God’s love and the real power to forgive come through His Spirit, which you have working in you. You also have the example set by other Christians you know, those in the Bible, and Jesus Christ Himself.

Following these methods is the antidote to resist the deadly venom of grudges.